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D48: Vow of silence...

D47: A mighty heart, cast away...

The other night I watched the wonderful Tom Hanks film, Cast Away. It was released in 2000 in the US, but didn’t play in Japan until early 2001. At the time, I was living on a small island called Awajishima that was connected to two of the larger islands of Japan by bridges on the north and south ends. My love and I frequently drove off the island on the weekends to get into the big cities of Kobe and Osaka for some fun. On this particular weekend, however, my fiancée and I were having a great time staying with her relatives in Osaka. We went to see Cast Away in a movie theater on the 6th floor of a skyscraper. Halfway through the film, there was an earthquake! The huge theater was very dark, the room was swaying and I didn’t know what to do. But nobody got up. Everyone just kept watching the film. After 15 minutes or so, my heart stopped racing and I got back to enjoying the film. When it was over, I still had a shaky feeling and was very happy to get back to street level. I wanted to kiss the ground, but I restrained myself..

Later that day, we made a trip to the US Embassy to find out what challenges we faced if we were to get married in Japan before moving to the US several months later. We were very close to having a quick official wedding in Japan to jumpstart the visa/green card issue. We decided to go with a student visa for her instead and then marry in the US. That never happened, because her willingness to stick through thick and thin was quickly tested after our move to San Diego that summer. Money was tight, I couldn’t get a job as a social worker because the county had put a freeze on hiring due to budget issues and we struggled. I had a B.A. in Psychology from UCSD, but no clear picture of what other jobs I should be looking for. Because she had come from a privileged family (she had a $5,000 Rolex, $20,000 in handbags and god knows how much in her wardrobe), she had no point of reference for lean times. I took a horrible job at a computer shop, then tried selling cars and even insurance to get us established. I had wanted to go to grad school in psychology, but put those plans off because she didn’t want to be dependent on her parents for support. There were issues of culture shock as well as unrealistic expectations. In the end, it was so stressful for her that she told me she had lost all respect for me as a man and withdrew her affections.

Granted, we were fairly young (both 26), hadn’t planned things adequately and had the added challenge of not being able to communicate some of the subtleties we needed to express. Several months earlier, half a year before my teaching contract expired, we had to make a decision whether to live several more years in Japan (so she could complete graduate school in nursing) or whether to move to the US and dive into college, get her English level up and become an RN here. We decided to come here and in doing so lost the stability we had enjoyed in Japan, which would have allowed for us to settle into married life with a decent chance at success.

I was lucky to escape from the experience unmarried. Although I was terribly in love with the idea of being a married man, it would have been a big mistake. We had picked out rings! I was so excited about wearing one and being done with the search. But that idealistic vision can be dangerous. We fall in love with the dream and lose sight of the reality. Making the big decision is not something to do lightly. I’ve learned much in subsequent years about the kind of hard questions you have to ask each other to really investigate whether marriage is the right choice.

D46: Eating words...

Relearning how to
Choose the foods that I consume
No points left for cake!

D45: For love of self...

Valentine's Day is here, but I cannot see you. My eyes scan the horizon, hungry for any sign of you. But nothing emerges. Except my own dissatifaction with a particular manifestation of my corporeal being. I have lost the form I love. I've been living large in the wrong way. My daily caloric consumption is out of all balance with my needs. These habits have left me with 30-35 pounds of needless mass. They are hiding a body I love and enjoy. It's time to cast them off. And so, on this day, I'm back to Weight Watchers. I'm getting back on a plan that I had great success with in 2005. Ironically, it will be just under 3 years since I last successfully embarked upon this journey. I've made noncommital promises over the last year or so to do this. But they lacked the force of will to bear fruit. Today is different. Today, I'm committed. With clothes, I weight about 185. Without, I'm just a bit over 180. In the end, I'll be stopping somewhere between 145 and 150 - unless I add a significant amout of muscle mass over the next few months (since muscle weights more than fat). I look forward to reporting my success over the next few months...

D44: Space filled...

I can fill space well
Marvel at my haiku skills
I have written this

D43: You remind me of me...

Great article in the New York Times today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/12/health/12mimic.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5087&em&en=14e4efc0e2d86811&ex=1202965200

It talks about the art of persuasion - what con men and good salespeople have known for some time. It turns out that mimicking others' posture with a slight time delay causes them to favor you much more than they would normally. They did experiments to bear this out and participants who were mimicked were 2-3 times as likely to help a stranger than the non-mimicked participants.

Mimicry increases good will towards the mimicker and also promts good will in general. There's speculation that it is so effective because it activates an empathetic part in our brains. It tends to work if the delay is about 4 seconds or longer. If you directly mimic someone, they pick it up and generally get upset.

Well worth reading if you're interested!

D42: The color of love...

When you trip over the moon and fall through the universe...

Does it tickle your toes? Are you smiling? And is the sand in your shoes a matter of pride?

Let it be. It tethers you to this world. It connects you to a history beyond humanity.

What's that you say? You've got an old soul? Well I'm sure you're very sophisticated...

Show me a dinosaur soul & you can color me impressed. Otherwise, what's the point?

D41: A letter to my wife...

Here's a reply I wrote to an extraordinary personal ad placed on Craigslist in San Diego. I don't think we were right for each other in the end... But she certainly inspired me....

-----

It is not an easy thing – this quest for love. To know that that which you yearn for most ardently is something so few will understand. Because you are that which makes you so – something that no one else in the history of this world will ever be. And how many other souls will possess the curious constellation of character, experience and predilections to really understand the essence of your being? But we do try, and thus begins our dance….

I would call myself a creative intellectual. At heart I am a deeply curious person. It is my peculiar passion to require knowledge of other’s raison d’être. But more than that, I need to know why you are who you are. What experiences and upbringing have informed your beliefs about the world? Why are you the woman you are? Only time and frank conversation will uncover this. But whether I even have the pleasure of knowing, I will always wonder. It is so for people from all walks of life. Even people I find disagreeable. Not only do I want to examine my own issues in finding them disagreeable. But I want to know what choices have lead them to the path they now follow. Just why did so-and-so become an accountant? And do they find it fulfilling? Is it because having control of something finite and manageable like numbers gives them the illusion of control in a chaotic universe?

And now back to me / you / etc.

Simple bits….

I’m 33, in the last year of a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I imagine myself to have pretty equal development between both hemispheres of my brain in that I can be quite creative, passionate, impulsive, etc. and also very dispassionate, logical, scientific, zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Enough about that. I’ve read you ad several times at this point and I can’t honestly say whether you’ll really find me to be all there or half there. I recognize that I have a lifetime of growth ahead of me and am not satisfied with the sum of my life experiences thus far. There is so much that I want in my lifetime. But I love the arts and am very interested in the creative process. I can be terribly silly. My parents have a beautiful, inspiring marriage with a genuine love borne of true struggle and a great deal of work. Their communication is something to emulate. I exercise 6 days a week – about 10-15 miles a day on the bike and an intensive hour of exercise at a class in downtown Monday through Saturday. I have seen your gymnastics photo from a previous ad and have no doubt that you are stronger than me. I don’t care. What matters to me is finding someone I can love with all the passion of my being and know that they will return it for years to come because they are committed to building a love for the ages. I want a woman that will challenge me to grow by holding up a mirror to my many imperfections. I want her to be willing to look within herself for the same growth. Of course I don’t seek someone to blindly commit. There must be a solid foundation borne of similar beliefs, interest, character and spirit. But these things take time to uncover. What matters now is knowing whether there’s a spark… I could go on and on sprinkling out little bits of Nathan to see if you’ll bite. I could say I’ve lived abroad for 2 years. I could say I’m very fond of practicing replication ( in the context of being a very loyal serial monogamist). I could say I love foreign films and world music and really anything that’s outside the mainstream. But at some point, I just have to stop, let myself hit the pillow and find out what happens tomorrow…. That would seem to be now. Or not. Close though…

Until the next,

Nathan

P.S. My cousin in LA met her husband on CL. The odds may be slim. But when the prize can be a lifetime shared with someone capable of making your life infinitely more appealing, it’s worth sending a few bottles out now and again…

D40: The Hopeful Monster...

The hopeful monster
Needs love just as much as you
Will he be thwarted?

D39: The Gaijin Dilemma...

I ran across an interesting posting on another blog that I couldn't help but share the premise of. It's the dilemma that foreigners living in Japan face when they see other foreigners. Normally you'd think that when there's only 1 foreigner for every 10,000 Japanese, we'd stick together. And in some ways that is true. But when you've lived in Japan for a while, something strange starts to happen. It starts to become uncool to acknowledge other foreigners. I was recently discussing this with a friend of mine who married the Japanese woman he fell in love with during his 5 years there. He acknowledged that when he was living in the city, it wasn't cool to say hi to other foreigners on the street. Because Japanese people naturally expected you to say hi to them, somehow it was pleasurable to go against the grain and not do so. Reading through the post, I had to remember that curious dilemma I felt during my time there. I lived on an island with 160,000 people and only about 25 of them were foreigners. 16 of them were fellow English teachers that I knew. The rest were missionaries or people in business I had no contact with. I was close friends with many of the teachers. Because we were on a small island, we'd all often make excursions into Kobe and Osaka on weekends for a taste of big city life. It was there that the gaijin dilemma really kicked in. When you're alone, wandering a big city and no one looks like you, it's natural to feel a surge of excitement when you see another foreigner. But after you've lived there a while, your mind tells you that you probably have nothing in common with them besides being a foreigner, that they may not speak English, that they might be tourists and ask you to explain things that they'd never understand without having lived there, etc., etc.

Another commenter at the end of this blog posting actually made me laugh by mentioning that sometimes we don't acknowledge other foreigners because they are invading our turf! When you're the only foreigner in your town, you feel a bit like a celebrity. So your 'specialness' can be a bit threatened by other foreigners. Bizarre, isn't it? Have a look at this post and tell me what you think...


http://anenglishmaninosaka.blogspot.com/2006/06/gaijin-dilemma.html

D38: You'll never really fit in there...

I'm going to tell you something funny about living in Japan. When you're a foreigner there, you are a gaijin (outsider - originally barbarian, etc.) They have a polite term for politically correct use - gaikokujin - which means 'honorable barbarian', but it isn't used that often. There are about 10,000 Japanese for every foreigner living in Japan, so gaijin stick out like sore thumbs. And despite gestures made to the contrary, it's a very insular country. You never really fit in as a foreigner - even if you've lived there for years. In fact, there are many natively Korean families that have been living in Japan for several generations who are still NOT considered Japanese. Unlike countries like America in which you can become assimilated after a period of time, this is never the case in Japan. Being Japanese means being born ethnically Japanese and IN Japan. In fact, if a Japanese woman marries a foreigner, her first name is no longer written in Japanese. If you look at movie credits in Japanese films you will see a number of first names that are clearly Japanese but they are written in English. Why is that? Anyone know? It seems harsh to me...

D37: Tokyo Dance Trooper

I'm no Star Wars otaku, but I do enjoy the mythology, which has been written about at great length over the years. And as you may know, I also love Japan (where I lived from 99-01). So combine those two things as well as music and dance - and you can't go wrong!

Have a look! This guy is great...

D36: How can we un-sin?

Any ideas on how to un-sin? Just curious. Not that I believe in sin. I just think it's an interesting idea...

D35: La Rage!

I just found a great new column at the NY Times called "The Wild Side". It's written by an Evolutionary Biologist named Olivia Judson. She mentions that rabies could be nearly eliminated from the planet for perhaps 60 million over 5 years - something perhaps she should propose to a charitable group like the Gates Foundation. Rabies, you say? Why focus on that? Here's why... It's an absolutely horrible death and it mostly kills poor children in Africa who are bitten by dogs. The treatment for rabies costs hundreds of dollars for each person bitten, but only $1.50 per dog to prevent it. Guess which option makes more sense?

Here's an excerpt that drives home just how horrible death by rabies is...

"The virus that causes the disease is spread by the saliva of infected animals. On arriving in a new victim, it travels through the nerves to the spinal cord and up into the brain, where it multiplies rapidly before spreading to other parts of the body, including the salivary glands. The time between being bitten and developing disease can vary from a few days to months or, occasionally, years. Depending on which part of the brain the virus ravages, the disease can take different forms, but the most common is known as furious rabies. This will kill you within a week of symptoms beginning to appear.

Often the first symptom is itching around the site of the bite. Sometimes, it’s an itching so intense that people will tear open their own skin as they scratch. The victim becomes afraid of water, to the point where drinking becomes impossible, no matter how great the thirst: the sight of a glass of water will induce spasms of terror so severe that the victim will hurl the glass away and may retch so violently as to tear the lining of the throat. The vocal cords become paralyzed, distorting the voice. Saliva may become thick and heavy. And then comes the madness.
“At the peak of excitement, the patient’s whole nervous system seems to be aroused. He is in a state of extreme agitation and has frightening hallucinations. His face is a mask of terror. He shouts incomprehensibly at the top of his distorted voice. His body is racked with tremors or spasms. He may struggle frantically and powerfully to free himself from constraints and try to escape from the room.”

Episodes of madness continue until the victim falls into a coma; this is followed by paralysis and death. Sometimes the madness includes ferocious, biting, attacks on anyone nearby. Sometimes it includes a sexual frenzy and attempted rape.

If you arrived in a Western hospital with symptoms of rabies, you’d be sedated until you died. In poor countries, where hospitals are scarce and sedatives scarcer, often nothing can be done, and the victim may be locked into a room, alone, to die. Usually, the victims are children."

from: http://judson.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/15/a-coffin-for-rabies/

Day 34: The Sweet Taste of Imperfection...

18 - 1.

A dream comes true.

I love underdogs. So it was a thrill to see the last few minutes of the Super Bowl, wherein the New York Giants destroyed the Patriots run at making history with a 19-0 season. To see the Giants come back in those last 3 minutes and score was great fun. I love sticking it to the big guy!

D33: Rock star eats crap and lives!

So I have a very minor accomplishment to convey. I didn't eat any fast food in January. None. And that was a significant thing for me because I can be impulsive about a number of things and the ridiculous ease of drive thru windows did me no good. I thought about seeing if I could go a whole year without fast food. And that would be a noble goal. But I decided that it would be just fine to have it once a month. So I had some for lunch today. And it was crap. I would have been fine without it. But I think I'll probably say yes to fast food once a month just to remind myself that it's not that great. I ate it today, on 2/2/08 for the first time all year. I think next month I'll eat it on 3/3, then on 4/4, 5/5, 6/6, 7/7, 8/8, 9/9 (my birthday), 10/10, 11/11 and finally on 12/12. Next year? Who knows...



About today's title? Who's the rock star? Why me, of course. At least when I plugged a microphone into my PS3 to play Rock Band with a friend. I don't actually own the game, I just rented it. The full game comes with a guitar, a drum set and a microphone. It allows you to go beyond karaoke, letting you and your friends pretend to be a band without the necessity of talent. It's been hugely popular - although not as popular as the Guitar Hero games because the cost of entry is higher ($160 for the full kit) and the fact that singing and playing drums are actually much harder than pressing buttons on the fake guitar. Singing and drums actually require some musical skill. So my friend was over and, not having any instruments except a USB microphone, we could only try the singing part in the game. I did Creep by Radiohead, a song by The Ramones and something else I didn’t know well. You have to get further in the game to unlock the better songs and we didn’t have time. It turned out to be quite fun and I was actually able to sing around him without massive embarrassment.




The truth is I've always wanted to be a rock star. Or really just a singer and pianist with something above average talent. I've had silly daydreams about becoming an expert on the anatomy and physiology of human vocal chords to the point that I create a procedure or technology that allows anyone to sing and sound good doing it. What would the world be like if everyone could sing, and sing well? It’s hard to say. But I imagine we’d all be having a lot more sex.

D32: The perils of efficiency...

Capitalism
It's not a value system!
The barren earth weeps

Yesterday's photo copyright NY Times photographer, Gary Kazanjian