It seems I'm spoken for...

Well, it's been fun but I'm done wandering, so I'm going to recommend you look elsewhere. Thanks for stopping by! Or check back again sometime and perhaps I'll share the story. It started in Vegas, but it doesn't end there....

May you find your bliss - for we are all deserving of love. I hope it will touch you soon!

With compassion,

NKE

D88: Tiger soup...

LOLCats are an amusing internet phenomenon. If you've never been to the site, it's certainly worth a look. Here's a cute recent entry...



see more crazy cat pics

D87: Le Mans, or 24 Heures du Mans

image courtesy of Fabrice Pluchet

I'm not much of a racing fan, although I really do enjoy reading about cars. One of the few things I can be bothered to pay attention to is Le Mans - the famous 24 hour endurance race that takes place in Le Mans, France every year in June. It has been going on since 1923 and has a wonderful history. The excitement of Le Mans was captured wonderfully in a Steve McQueen film by the same name. Interestingly, diesel vehicles from Audi have won for the past several years - something many Americans would find mystifying. I can't help being fascinatined with cars for a number of reasons. One being that I love the lines of elegantly designed vehicles. There is an art to creating a shape that is both pleasing to the eye and the wind tunnel. I think in general, I appreciate passionate, competitive pursuits. That intersection of art and science intrigues me to no end in many fields. I love seeing how the desire to do things better is channeled by teams of talented, creative, brilliant individuals.

Note: This post was motivated by watching the "Le Mans 2007 Official Film", the 3rd or 4th DVD on Le Mans I've seen. The producers create a 2-hour review of the race each year, which reveals a great deal of the racing, the technology, the hard work and the excitement of the event.

D86: Book Club! Like Fight Club, but with books...

Tonight the book club I've been a part of for several years met to review the book I choose for this month's meeting: Three Cups of Tea, by David Mortenson. It's the true story of a man who went to rural Pakistan an avid climber and ended up promising to build a school for the children of the isolate village that nursed him back to health after he almost died trying to summit K2. His journey is a remarkable one - more so because for years he bumbled through the process of finding his destiny as the founder of the Central Asia Institute. The fact that his organization has gone on to build more than 60 schools (and counting) is really quite remarkable.



Greg is, by all appearances, a great guy. But he's not the type of person you'd think could accomplish all that he has. He doesn't seem to possess the natural abilities of a leader. What's so amazing is how the world conspired to make his so successful in his mission. The right people just happened to appear in his life to make things work. His success, and the process of having the path just reveal itself is what a former UCSD professor of mine would have called a series of happy accidents.



One of the things I loved so much about this account of Greg's many years in Pakistan and Afghanistan is how much it taught me about Middle Eastern and Muslim culture. There was such richness to what I learned and I'm glad to say it relieved me of a great deal of ignorance. Ultimately, that is what his mission is about - replacing ignorance with knowledge. He does so for us as readers and for many generations of children to come who will grow up without hatred of America. It's a great book that will teach you a lot. I hope you'll read it....



Photos courtesy & copyright of Greg Mortenson and his publisher.

D85: Herons, hummingbirds & Luke...

I live about 200 feet from the water and I just happened to be looking outside when I spied this heron on the chimney of the house a block behind me. I used the maximum zoom, then cropped the image. It was late afternoon and the light was already fading, so there's a bit of noise in the image. If I had a D-SLR, it would have been much prettier.

The photo of Luke in the box is just one I had to capture. I bought this box for about $4, not knowing what I would use it for. I had been storing papers in it. But one day I left it out and Luke adopted it. Now, where ever I leave it out, he jumps in... If only we were all so easily pleased!

D84: Monastic Monday...

Just kidding... What would a Monastic Monday even look like?

Monastic Mondays
Must I meditate all day?
My knees really hurt...

D83: Running from the table...

Sometimes the only way to stick with the plan in the face of great danger is to run. So, when I was faced with my nephew's birthday party on Friday and Easter Dinner today, I did the only sensible thing - I ran! Well actually, I did sit down long enough to enjoy dinner. But afterwards, I decided I had to hit the pavement. Since I haven't been running in a while (except yesterday of course), I took it easy. I ran for 30 minutes on Saturday and about 35 minutes today. I threw some hills in both days so it wasn't too easy. Now I'm really going to have to get stretching again. Otherwise I'll probably be enjoying the pleasure of planar fascitis soon.

And yes, it really did get up to 80 degrees today. On Easter Sunday. A few blocks from the ocean. The sky is falling..... again.

D82: A bit of a stretch...

I did a yoga stretch class this morning at the Kona Kai Club. Dinah is still teaching it and she's still wonderful. What's embarrasing is how inflexible I am. This has bothered me in my dance class as well. When I was doing Egoscue regularly a few months ago, I was more flexible. But Egoscue didn't stress flexibility that much. So I think I'm going to work on getting more limber...

D81: Women in bikinis?

Today I rode over to the Kona Kai Club for a workout. After finishing, I noticed that there were women playing volleyball in bikinis on the beach! It's the 2nd or 3rd day of spring and there's already women in bikinis! I can't handle it. Men should not have to endure seeing women in bikinis this early in the year...

Well, this just gives me that much more resolve to keep losing weight. I'm working hard to get into fighting shape by summer.

D80: Tis the eyes I covet...

I certainly have a weakness for women with beautiful eyes. But in this case, I'm talking about a gal with a real eye. If you appreciate good photography, you'll know what I mean. I enjoy taking artsy photos but I'm lazy about getting out and doing it. I also don't have a digital SLR, which prevents me from taking the kind of photos I want to take. No DSLR for me until all my debts are paid. But in the meantime, have a look at Yuki Nakano's photography....

http://www.yukister.com/

And Yuki, if you're coming to San Diego anytime soon, let me know. I'd love to take you out! But I'll bet Lindsey's your man, isn't he? Oh well... what's a little harmless flirting halfway across the world?

D79: Bench is in session...

Tuesdays and Thursdays at work recently I've been doing short workouts in the weight room with a few co-workers. I don't think anyone has really used the weight room in a long time, but we've made a commitment to do it and we're having fun. Because it's such a tiny gym, about the only think we can do is bench press, inclines, declines, arms, back, shoulders and some ab work. The room isn't much bigger than a closet, but since we've started, a number of curious officemates have come over to watch, participate and just generally be amused. But a few of us are serious and have made bets about who can gain the most strength by summertime. I have to go from doing about 165 in bench press to about 205. The other guys have to do a bit more or a bit less because of their difference in current size and strength. It's been fun so far.

D78: Dirty joke...

Here's a very dirty joke:


Do you know who likes to get fisted?

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-------------------
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No, who?

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Sock puppets.

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I told that at work today and got a few laughs. Obviously I don't work in too conservative an office. I heard the joke from a Daniel Tosh comedy special...

D77: The diminishing self...

A friend (Diane) asked me in the comments recently how I was doing on Weight Watchers. The answer is that after completing my first month I've lost 10 pounds. Which is perfect. Because losing much more than 2 pounds a week really isn't healthy for the body. Even if I average only a pound a week, I'll still be happy because a healthy weight loss rate is much more conducive to keeping it off. I'm down to 170 now and should hit 150 by summertime. Then I'll fit back in my 29-30" jeans. That will make me smile...

D76: More to say about religion and the brain...

I don't really think I articulated all that I meant to express yesterday. Looking back on it, I get the distinct impression that I'm conveying a kind of hostility or closemindedness about religion/spirituality/mysticism. So I'd like to say that I really didn't sell Dr Taylor's talk very well. The talk is incredible and one of the things I really love about it is how beautifully she describes the feeling of nirvana she gets during her stroke when the two halves of her brain are no longer communicating. The incredible sense of peace she describes makes me envious.

One of my favorite parts is when she talks about how the experience gave her the feeling of having 37 years of emotional baggage instantly lifted from her shoulders. Damn if that isn't something to envy!

D75: A stroke of nirvana...

I've always been curious about religious experiences from the world's cultures. At the same time, I've never been a religious person. Philosophical and spiritually minded, yes - but not religious. So upon reading about various studies in which researches using electrodes to stimulate various points in the brain caused people to have religious and out-of-body experiences, it reinforced something I've long believed - that religious experiences were rooted in the neuroanatomy of the brain itself. Just as people can have very powerful near-death experiences when the brain experiences hypoxia (lack of oxygen), religious experiences can be explained by the structure of our minds.

So it was wonderful to find this talk from a neuroanatomist who experienced a stroke. She talks about how both hemispheres of the brain work and the profound sense of peace and oneness with the universe she experienced as the chatter from her left hemisphere ceased. The talk is fascinating, funny and inspiring. Whether you are religious, agnostic or atheist, there is something to be gained from viewing it.

For more information, here are some links about her life, her book, etc.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/when-a-brain-scientist-suffers-a-stroke/?scp=1-b&sq=jill+bolte&st=nyt

http://www.drjilltaylor.com/index.html

D74: Tomorrow, for sure!

You don't believe me, do you? But I promise to post something real tomorrow. How do I know? I've already done it!

D73: I promise...

D72: I vow to stop soon...

D71: ***

D70: $%@#!

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D48: Vow of silence...

D47: A mighty heart, cast away...

The other night I watched the wonderful Tom Hanks film, Cast Away. It was released in 2000 in the US, but didn’t play in Japan until early 2001. At the time, I was living on a small island called Awajishima that was connected to two of the larger islands of Japan by bridges on the north and south ends. My love and I frequently drove off the island on the weekends to get into the big cities of Kobe and Osaka for some fun. On this particular weekend, however, my fiancée and I were having a great time staying with her relatives in Osaka. We went to see Cast Away in a movie theater on the 6th floor of a skyscraper. Halfway through the film, there was an earthquake! The huge theater was very dark, the room was swaying and I didn’t know what to do. But nobody got up. Everyone just kept watching the film. After 15 minutes or so, my heart stopped racing and I got back to enjoying the film. When it was over, I still had a shaky feeling and was very happy to get back to street level. I wanted to kiss the ground, but I restrained myself..

Later that day, we made a trip to the US Embassy to find out what challenges we faced if we were to get married in Japan before moving to the US several months later. We were very close to having a quick official wedding in Japan to jumpstart the visa/green card issue. We decided to go with a student visa for her instead and then marry in the US. That never happened, because her willingness to stick through thick and thin was quickly tested after our move to San Diego that summer. Money was tight, I couldn’t get a job as a social worker because the county had put a freeze on hiring due to budget issues and we struggled. I had a B.A. in Psychology from UCSD, but no clear picture of what other jobs I should be looking for. Because she had come from a privileged family (she had a $5,000 Rolex, $20,000 in handbags and god knows how much in her wardrobe), she had no point of reference for lean times. I took a horrible job at a computer shop, then tried selling cars and even insurance to get us established. I had wanted to go to grad school in psychology, but put those plans off because she didn’t want to be dependent on her parents for support. There were issues of culture shock as well as unrealistic expectations. In the end, it was so stressful for her that she told me she had lost all respect for me as a man and withdrew her affections.

Granted, we were fairly young (both 26), hadn’t planned things adequately and had the added challenge of not being able to communicate some of the subtleties we needed to express. Several months earlier, half a year before my teaching contract expired, we had to make a decision whether to live several more years in Japan (so she could complete graduate school in nursing) or whether to move to the US and dive into college, get her English level up and become an RN here. We decided to come here and in doing so lost the stability we had enjoyed in Japan, which would have allowed for us to settle into married life with a decent chance at success.

I was lucky to escape from the experience unmarried. Although I was terribly in love with the idea of being a married man, it would have been a big mistake. We had picked out rings! I was so excited about wearing one and being done with the search. But that idealistic vision can be dangerous. We fall in love with the dream and lose sight of the reality. Making the big decision is not something to do lightly. I’ve learned much in subsequent years about the kind of hard questions you have to ask each other to really investigate whether marriage is the right choice.

D46: Eating words...

Relearning how to
Choose the foods that I consume
No points left for cake!

D45: For love of self...

Valentine's Day is here, but I cannot see you. My eyes scan the horizon, hungry for any sign of you. But nothing emerges. Except my own dissatifaction with a particular manifestation of my corporeal being. I have lost the form I love. I've been living large in the wrong way. My daily caloric consumption is out of all balance with my needs. These habits have left me with 30-35 pounds of needless mass. They are hiding a body I love and enjoy. It's time to cast them off. And so, on this day, I'm back to Weight Watchers. I'm getting back on a plan that I had great success with in 2005. Ironically, it will be just under 3 years since I last successfully embarked upon this journey. I've made noncommital promises over the last year or so to do this. But they lacked the force of will to bear fruit. Today is different. Today, I'm committed. With clothes, I weight about 185. Without, I'm just a bit over 180. In the end, I'll be stopping somewhere between 145 and 150 - unless I add a significant amout of muscle mass over the next few months (since muscle weights more than fat). I look forward to reporting my success over the next few months...

D44: Space filled...

I can fill space well
Marvel at my haiku skills
I have written this

D43: You remind me of me...

Great article in the New York Times today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/12/health/12mimic.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5087&em&en=14e4efc0e2d86811&ex=1202965200

It talks about the art of persuasion - what con men and good salespeople have known for some time. It turns out that mimicking others' posture with a slight time delay causes them to favor you much more than they would normally. They did experiments to bear this out and participants who were mimicked were 2-3 times as likely to help a stranger than the non-mimicked participants.

Mimicry increases good will towards the mimicker and also promts good will in general. There's speculation that it is so effective because it activates an empathetic part in our brains. It tends to work if the delay is about 4 seconds or longer. If you directly mimic someone, they pick it up and generally get upset.

Well worth reading if you're interested!

D42: The color of love...

When you trip over the moon and fall through the universe...

Does it tickle your toes? Are you smiling? And is the sand in your shoes a matter of pride?

Let it be. It tethers you to this world. It connects you to a history beyond humanity.

What's that you say? You've got an old soul? Well I'm sure you're very sophisticated...

Show me a dinosaur soul & you can color me impressed. Otherwise, what's the point?

D41: A letter to my wife...

Here's a reply I wrote to an extraordinary personal ad placed on Craigslist in San Diego. I don't think we were right for each other in the end... But she certainly inspired me....

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It is not an easy thing – this quest for love. To know that that which you yearn for most ardently is something so few will understand. Because you are that which makes you so – something that no one else in the history of this world will ever be. And how many other souls will possess the curious constellation of character, experience and predilections to really understand the essence of your being? But we do try, and thus begins our dance….

I would call myself a creative intellectual. At heart I am a deeply curious person. It is my peculiar passion to require knowledge of other’s raison d’être. But more than that, I need to know why you are who you are. What experiences and upbringing have informed your beliefs about the world? Why are you the woman you are? Only time and frank conversation will uncover this. But whether I even have the pleasure of knowing, I will always wonder. It is so for people from all walks of life. Even people I find disagreeable. Not only do I want to examine my own issues in finding them disagreeable. But I want to know what choices have lead them to the path they now follow. Just why did so-and-so become an accountant? And do they find it fulfilling? Is it because having control of something finite and manageable like numbers gives them the illusion of control in a chaotic universe?

And now back to me / you / etc.

Simple bits….

I’m 33, in the last year of a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I imagine myself to have pretty equal development between both hemispheres of my brain in that I can be quite creative, passionate, impulsive, etc. and also very dispassionate, logical, scientific, zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Enough about that. I’ve read you ad several times at this point and I can’t honestly say whether you’ll really find me to be all there or half there. I recognize that I have a lifetime of growth ahead of me and am not satisfied with the sum of my life experiences thus far. There is so much that I want in my lifetime. But I love the arts and am very interested in the creative process. I can be terribly silly. My parents have a beautiful, inspiring marriage with a genuine love borne of true struggle and a great deal of work. Their communication is something to emulate. I exercise 6 days a week – about 10-15 miles a day on the bike and an intensive hour of exercise at a class in downtown Monday through Saturday. I have seen your gymnastics photo from a previous ad and have no doubt that you are stronger than me. I don’t care. What matters to me is finding someone I can love with all the passion of my being and know that they will return it for years to come because they are committed to building a love for the ages. I want a woman that will challenge me to grow by holding up a mirror to my many imperfections. I want her to be willing to look within herself for the same growth. Of course I don’t seek someone to blindly commit. There must be a solid foundation borne of similar beliefs, interest, character and spirit. But these things take time to uncover. What matters now is knowing whether there’s a spark… I could go on and on sprinkling out little bits of Nathan to see if you’ll bite. I could say I’ve lived abroad for 2 years. I could say I’m very fond of practicing replication ( in the context of being a very loyal serial monogamist). I could say I love foreign films and world music and really anything that’s outside the mainstream. But at some point, I just have to stop, let myself hit the pillow and find out what happens tomorrow…. That would seem to be now. Or not. Close though…

Until the next,

Nathan

P.S. My cousin in LA met her husband on CL. The odds may be slim. But when the prize can be a lifetime shared with someone capable of making your life infinitely more appealing, it’s worth sending a few bottles out now and again…

D40: The Hopeful Monster...

The hopeful monster
Needs love just as much as you
Will he be thwarted?

D39: The Gaijin Dilemma...

I ran across an interesting posting on another blog that I couldn't help but share the premise of. It's the dilemma that foreigners living in Japan face when they see other foreigners. Normally you'd think that when there's only 1 foreigner for every 10,000 Japanese, we'd stick together. And in some ways that is true. But when you've lived in Japan for a while, something strange starts to happen. It starts to become uncool to acknowledge other foreigners. I was recently discussing this with a friend of mine who married the Japanese woman he fell in love with during his 5 years there. He acknowledged that when he was living in the city, it wasn't cool to say hi to other foreigners on the street. Because Japanese people naturally expected you to say hi to them, somehow it was pleasurable to go against the grain and not do so. Reading through the post, I had to remember that curious dilemma I felt during my time there. I lived on an island with 160,000 people and only about 25 of them were foreigners. 16 of them were fellow English teachers that I knew. The rest were missionaries or people in business I had no contact with. I was close friends with many of the teachers. Because we were on a small island, we'd all often make excursions into Kobe and Osaka on weekends for a taste of big city life. It was there that the gaijin dilemma really kicked in. When you're alone, wandering a big city and no one looks like you, it's natural to feel a surge of excitement when you see another foreigner. But after you've lived there a while, your mind tells you that you probably have nothing in common with them besides being a foreigner, that they may not speak English, that they might be tourists and ask you to explain things that they'd never understand without having lived there, etc., etc.

Another commenter at the end of this blog posting actually made me laugh by mentioning that sometimes we don't acknowledge other foreigners because they are invading our turf! When you're the only foreigner in your town, you feel a bit like a celebrity. So your 'specialness' can be a bit threatened by other foreigners. Bizarre, isn't it? Have a look at this post and tell me what you think...


http://anenglishmaninosaka.blogspot.com/2006/06/gaijin-dilemma.html

D38: You'll never really fit in there...

I'm going to tell you something funny about living in Japan. When you're a foreigner there, you are a gaijin (outsider - originally barbarian, etc.) They have a polite term for politically correct use - gaikokujin - which means 'honorable barbarian', but it isn't used that often. There are about 10,000 Japanese for every foreigner living in Japan, so gaijin stick out like sore thumbs. And despite gestures made to the contrary, it's a very insular country. You never really fit in as a foreigner - even if you've lived there for years. In fact, there are many natively Korean families that have been living in Japan for several generations who are still NOT considered Japanese. Unlike countries like America in which you can become assimilated after a period of time, this is never the case in Japan. Being Japanese means being born ethnically Japanese and IN Japan. In fact, if a Japanese woman marries a foreigner, her first name is no longer written in Japanese. If you look at movie credits in Japanese films you will see a number of first names that are clearly Japanese but they are written in English. Why is that? Anyone know? It seems harsh to me...

D37: Tokyo Dance Trooper

I'm no Star Wars otaku, but I do enjoy the mythology, which has been written about at great length over the years. And as you may know, I also love Japan (where I lived from 99-01). So combine those two things as well as music and dance - and you can't go wrong!

Have a look! This guy is great...

D36: How can we un-sin?

Any ideas on how to un-sin? Just curious. Not that I believe in sin. I just think it's an interesting idea...

D35: La Rage!

I just found a great new column at the NY Times called "The Wild Side". It's written by an Evolutionary Biologist named Olivia Judson. She mentions that rabies could be nearly eliminated from the planet for perhaps 60 million over 5 years - something perhaps she should propose to a charitable group like the Gates Foundation. Rabies, you say? Why focus on that? Here's why... It's an absolutely horrible death and it mostly kills poor children in Africa who are bitten by dogs. The treatment for rabies costs hundreds of dollars for each person bitten, but only $1.50 per dog to prevent it. Guess which option makes more sense?

Here's an excerpt that drives home just how horrible death by rabies is...

"The virus that causes the disease is spread by the saliva of infected animals. On arriving in a new victim, it travels through the nerves to the spinal cord and up into the brain, where it multiplies rapidly before spreading to other parts of the body, including the salivary glands. The time between being bitten and developing disease can vary from a few days to months or, occasionally, years. Depending on which part of the brain the virus ravages, the disease can take different forms, but the most common is known as furious rabies. This will kill you within a week of symptoms beginning to appear.

Often the first symptom is itching around the site of the bite. Sometimes, it’s an itching so intense that people will tear open their own skin as they scratch. The victim becomes afraid of water, to the point where drinking becomes impossible, no matter how great the thirst: the sight of a glass of water will induce spasms of terror so severe that the victim will hurl the glass away and may retch so violently as to tear the lining of the throat. The vocal cords become paralyzed, distorting the voice. Saliva may become thick and heavy. And then comes the madness.
“At the peak of excitement, the patient’s whole nervous system seems to be aroused. He is in a state of extreme agitation and has frightening hallucinations. His face is a mask of terror. He shouts incomprehensibly at the top of his distorted voice. His body is racked with tremors or spasms. He may struggle frantically and powerfully to free himself from constraints and try to escape from the room.”

Episodes of madness continue until the victim falls into a coma; this is followed by paralysis and death. Sometimes the madness includes ferocious, biting, attacks on anyone nearby. Sometimes it includes a sexual frenzy and attempted rape.

If you arrived in a Western hospital with symptoms of rabies, you’d be sedated until you died. In poor countries, where hospitals are scarce and sedatives scarcer, often nothing can be done, and the victim may be locked into a room, alone, to die. Usually, the victims are children."

from: http://judson.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/15/a-coffin-for-rabies/

Day 34: The Sweet Taste of Imperfection...

18 - 1.

A dream comes true.

I love underdogs. So it was a thrill to see the last few minutes of the Super Bowl, wherein the New York Giants destroyed the Patriots run at making history with a 19-0 season. To see the Giants come back in those last 3 minutes and score was great fun. I love sticking it to the big guy!

D33: Rock star eats crap and lives!

So I have a very minor accomplishment to convey. I didn't eat any fast food in January. None. And that was a significant thing for me because I can be impulsive about a number of things and the ridiculous ease of drive thru windows did me no good. I thought about seeing if I could go a whole year without fast food. And that would be a noble goal. But I decided that it would be just fine to have it once a month. So I had some for lunch today. And it was crap. I would have been fine without it. But I think I'll probably say yes to fast food once a month just to remind myself that it's not that great. I ate it today, on 2/2/08 for the first time all year. I think next month I'll eat it on 3/3, then on 4/4, 5/5, 6/6, 7/7, 8/8, 9/9 (my birthday), 10/10, 11/11 and finally on 12/12. Next year? Who knows...



About today's title? Who's the rock star? Why me, of course. At least when I plugged a microphone into my PS3 to play Rock Band with a friend. I don't actually own the game, I just rented it. The full game comes with a guitar, a drum set and a microphone. It allows you to go beyond karaoke, letting you and your friends pretend to be a band without the necessity of talent. It's been hugely popular - although not as popular as the Guitar Hero games because the cost of entry is higher ($160 for the full kit) and the fact that singing and playing drums are actually much harder than pressing buttons on the fake guitar. Singing and drums actually require some musical skill. So my friend was over and, not having any instruments except a USB microphone, we could only try the singing part in the game. I did Creep by Radiohead, a song by The Ramones and something else I didn’t know well. You have to get further in the game to unlock the better songs and we didn’t have time. It turned out to be quite fun and I was actually able to sing around him without massive embarrassment.




The truth is I've always wanted to be a rock star. Or really just a singer and pianist with something above average talent. I've had silly daydreams about becoming an expert on the anatomy and physiology of human vocal chords to the point that I create a procedure or technology that allows anyone to sing and sound good doing it. What would the world be like if everyone could sing, and sing well? It’s hard to say. But I imagine we’d all be having a lot more sex.

D32: The perils of efficiency...

Capitalism
It's not a value system!
The barren earth weeps

Yesterday's photo copyright NY Times photographer, Gary Kazanjian

D31: Kobe beef - good neighbor or good meal?

My co-workers go out to lunch several times a week. I generally stay at work and each my sensible, healthy(ish) frozen meal and supplement it throughout the day with tea, carrots and hummus, fruit and whatever bad things someone brought it to ruin us. But today was a good day to get out and so I went. We had a nice lunch at Sammy's Woodfired Pizza, a chain that's pretty similar to Pizza Nova and California Pizza Kitchen. I'd never been there, but I'd had pizza from Trader Joe's (a great market) twice in the past week and I didn't want any more. So I ordered the Kobe beef mini cheeseburgers with gorgonzola cheese a chipotle sauce and a hint of something else. They were delicious.

If you know anything about Kobe beef, it's supposed to be some of the most delicious beef in the world because the cows are massaged daily to get the fat to comingle with the meat in a way that makes them singularly scrumptious. Kobe beef is supposed to come from the city of Kobe, Japan. But most of it really comes from an island less than an hour from Kobe called Awajishima. That's where I lived during my two years teaching English. My apartment was at the top of a hill about 10 minutes from the junior high school where I taught. Halfway up the hill was a barn that had several cows that may have eventually become Kobe beef. They were good neighbors. I never smelled them or heard them playing any loud music. But I probably ate some of their relatives anyway. And that probably ought to change. Not necessarily for animal rights reasons - althought it's certainly something to think about. We may need to start eating a lot less meat for the future of the planet. There was an excellent NY Times article called "Rethinking the Meat-Guzzler" that really had me doing even more thinking about how much change we need in the very near future to bring the world back from the precipace. We can't sustain the lifestyle we're living. And as countries like China and India develop their middle classes and increase their energy needs exponentially, we are well and truly fucked. There are millions of new cars being put on the roads every year in China and India. They now sell a car in India called the Tata for $2500! This is a very scary thing. I'm going to link to the article, get this off my chest and then shut up for the day..

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING! Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day...

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/27/weekinreview/27bittman.html

D30: Rewriting history...

I've discovered a deliciously devilish feature on Blogger. I can lie about the date that my posting is posted. So, if I'm late in getting to a day's post, I can still make it appear as if it was posted on the day I was supposed to post it. So I've gone back and fixed every posting so they all 'happened' on the day they were supposed to. Perfect for a procrastinator. But now, I'm obviously a morally suspect character. Why would I lie to make it look like my Day 30 posting really was posted on January 30th? Because I'm a silly man. Silly, and drunk with the power I have to rewrite my own little corner of history. Thank you for putting me on the path to ruin, Carissa. You're a very good friend...

P.S. I predict that the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl 17-14 over the New England Patriots, even though they are 11 point underdogs. Anyone want to take the bet?

D29: The birth of ambivalence...

"When the student is ready, the teacher will come" Old Chinese proverb

When we are ready, does love come along? I'm not sure the right kind of love does come around until we are truly ready. Love involves a lot of growth. To be ready to share your life with someone, you need to have your house in order. For me, the times I've been most successful in finding love have been when I was happy and moving forward with plenty of momentum in my life. It's hard to feel attractive and confident when you feel like you are spinning your wheels. I think it's quite hard for men to present that aura of cocky confidence when they're not happy. And I'm not truly happy right now. I'm not satisfied with my current situation. I hate that it feels like I'm going nowhere in my dissertation. It's really depressing. Truly. When I'm unhappy and when I don't respect myself, how the hell am I supposed to sell you on how great I am? There's so much ambivalence inside me. I know I'm a good guy with a lot to offer but I'm so ambitious and goal oriented (and hard on myself) that I've lost my mojo. And without my mojo, how will I find you? My mojo gives me the cocky charisma that lets me turn the charm on and really shine. Without it, I'm just a quiet guy that recedes into the shadows...

D28: The chip on my shoulder...

There are certain subjects we are all sensitive about. When forced to talk about them, we often reveal some of our unhealed psychic wounds. It seems money and achievement are such things for me. I felt like I came across as both a braggart and an embarrassed underachiever when I wrote you about my current and future prospects. Can we start anew? What you need to know is that I'm an excellent long-term investment. And that I love with a full heart. I truly believe that character is far more important than one's current circumstances. Of course, being the romantic I am, I will never abandon hope that the right woman will grasp the full picture.

What I mean by this is that I believe myself to be deserving of a certain caliber of woman. And I don't want to settle for anything less. But I fear that I might not be able to attract the kind of woman I want because I haven't yet achieved the level of success I feel I should have. Success breeds confidence. And success feels like it's a long way away right now. The burnout I've experienced on the road to a Ph.D. has been enormous. And the psychic fallout has been particularly damaging. Is it normal to be afraid of failure? Of course. Completing a dissertation is the hardest thing some people will ever do.

I think that many of the hardest goals to achieve require a phenomenal amount of fortitude. I think for me, completing this dissertation is like eating a giant ice burger. And that's all I have to say about that...

D27: Walking in your footsteps...

Am I a pauper?
My justification felt
out of character

D26: I want to be dancing with you...

I've recently started a modern dance class on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings. I've never taken a dance class in my life, but I've always been interested in it. I have a lot of mirrors in my home and I must confess I have fun just randomly creating free form dance moves when music comes on that gets me. Mind you, these are not moves that I would bust out at a club. They are probably a bit too out there for that scene. But it's always been one of my silly dreams to be able to perfectly copy the famous dance in Napoleon Dynamite.

So on to modern dance... It's only my 4th or 5th class but I'm really enjoying it. It is decent exercise (I'm sure it will get much more cardio and strength intense as I advance) but it's also a chance for creative expression through the body and a mental challenge. It reminds me of karate in many ways. It forces your mind and body to work together, creating new muscle memories and making you learn to do several opposing things at once.

I can't wait to get good enough to be in the advanced classes because they are filled with beautiful women and only a few men - most of whom are probably gay. Which means I have zero competition when I'm there. But who knows where I'll meet you? I'm hoping to get you on the phone soon..

D25: Distance lends enchantment to the view...

"Distance lends enchantment to the view" was a fortune that my first girlfriend received in a cookie when she was 16. We were long distance lovers, me in San Diego and she in Virginia Beach. On opposite oceans and over 3,000 miles apart. I remember she wrote on the back (because I still have that fortune), "if we can just hold out 2 more years, all of our dreams will come true". She was going to move to San Diego after finishing high school so that we could spend our lives together. What a wonderfully optimistic dream. But loving someone deeply and being apart from them is very difficult. And the teenage years are not a static time. We changed and grew apart. It was a great year and a half and I'm very happy to have had the experience of being forced to learn about communicating with women before hormones made the equation more challenging.

That was my one and only long-distance relationship. I had an ex-girlfriend of mine tell me that I should never get involved with a woman who has to travel a lot. Because I'm just not built to deal with the separation. In a sense, I think that's true. When I love, I don't do it halfway. So I hate being away from the one I love. But I've endured it before (2 months worth during an 18 month relationship). And I can again, for the right person.

But choosing a long-distance relationship when there were other options right in my own back yard? That would be a rare thing indeed. I think it would have to be a very sunny girl...

D24: One blue, the other green..

I haven't written
In that, I am remiss
You are in my thoughts

D23: The two bays...

On a quest, but lost..
Was it a sad delusion
to think I'd find you?

D22: Fortunate cookie...

Did you know that the fortune cookies we know and love from Chinese restaurants in the US almost certainly originated in Japan? Strange but true. You can read the fascinating history here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/dining/16fort.html

It was a great article (but then I'm a Japanophile, so I'm biased), but even more fun was the fact that they invited readers to share stories about the best fortunes they had received in their cookies. Over 500 people had left comments when I last checked and some of them were truly wonderful. I'm going to paste a few below, but here's the URL:

http://community.nytimes.com/article/comments/2008/01/16/dining/16fort.html?s=3

My boyfriend and I were finishing our dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant with my parents. I opened my fortune cookie and smugly showed everyone that mine said, "You are destined for marital bliss".

My boyfriend read his silently and proceeded to laugh out loud. His fortune said, "Look before you leap".

We have now been married for 17 years.

— clinmroz, FH,MI

I was lamenting all day that I had said I would go out with this guy because he was really boring, unattractive (to me), and I just didn't like him "that way". He was so nice and such a thoughtful person that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I had said yes when he asked me out. We went for dinner at a Chinese restaurant, after which my fortune cookie said, "A forced kindness deserves no thanks." Serves me right.

— Jackie, New York

The FBI & CIA are watching you. Eat this note.

— Dan, Florida

He Loves you as much as he can but he cannot love you very much.

— Katherine, Riverdale

About 5 years ago, I was secretly in love with a co-worker, who "liked me as a friend." I pursued her for years, but she never showed any serious interest.

We went out after work for chinese food and drinks.

The fortune cookie read "Have the courage to seek your desires."

That was all the excuse I needed. Right outside the chinese restaurant I pulled her close to me and kissed her. Rather than getting the knee in the groin that i was expecting, she return the gesture.

Getting married next april

— Senor fancy pants, western hemisphere

In Rochester MN at the Mayo Clinic, my brother Lynn received the tough news that he had perhaps a few weeks to live. He said to his daughter and me "Well, let's get some lunch. Chinese?" He cracked his cookie at meal's end, unfolded the paper, and silent tears flowed. The paper read "Your eyes will be opened to a new and beautiful world." It is in his coffin.

— Lynn's Brother, Ellensburg, WA

My all-time favorite is "Only the mediocre are always at their best."

— Barbara, Rochester, MN

"Live your life as if you had to sit next to yourself on an airplane."

— Erinaceous, NYC

D21: My thanks to the King...

Thank you, Dr. King, for sacrificing your life to make the world a better place. Thank you for your courage and your conviction. Thank you for living without fear in the face of numerous death threats. Thank you for holding the mirror up to the darkness of our society so unflinchingly and under such weight. We didn't like what we saw. Many of us weren't ready. But you and millions of others fought against the status quo. You said that the southern 'tradition' was wrong. You demanded equal rights. And over four decades later, the world is a much better place. But there is still so much injustice across the globe. We need more Kings to lead us forward. To live by their convictions and put wrongdoing under the microscope for all to see. Who will be next to take the throne? Or are we now too cynical and jaded to notice the great sacrifice of those around us? Let's pray for the strength to live with unblinking eyes...

D20: Underdogged...

I watched the final Charger game of the season with my family and a few friends today. They were 14 point underdogs and no one in the national media gave them a chance again the undefeated (17-0) Patriots, the 'team of destiny'. We struggled mightily and it was a very good game. If not for three serious injuries to our best players, we might have won. In fact, even in spite of the injuries, if the fickle winds of fate had blown just a little bit more in our favor, we could have easily won. It was a close game. And we didn't embarrass ourselves. So now I can move on to other things, since god knows I don't have much time for sports at this point in my doctoral studies.

But having an emotional investment in 'your team' is an interesting thing. First of all, I'm not a sports nut. As I said, I don't have time to be. But as a San Diego native who has lived here 31 of my 33 years, I consider it reasonable to have an interest in my home teams. So I care about the Chargers and the Padres. When I watch Charger games my blood pressure goes up. I have to work on my breathing sometimes. I cheer, I hope, I sometimes shout. Because it's nice to feel like you're part of something bigger. Even if it's just a silly game between teams of men that's far more violent than it has any business being.

We live in such a fractionalized society. My neighbors live in fortresses. Nobody knows each other. There's no sense of community. We're not connected. It's very alienating. And when you're not a church-goer or part of some larger social network, it's very hard to feel connected sometimes. We exist in a vast series of metropolises, but we're really just living in isolated pockets of humanity. We get a sense of community from co-workers and friends and perhaps some of the groups we belong in. But we don't know the vast majority of the people around us. So, silly as it is, it's nice to be a fan sometimes and to know that in some small way there's a common thread between us. Unless you're a Patriots fan, of course. In which case I hope you die an excruciating death.... Just kidding! [-:

D19: Enter the dragon...

Bruce Lee died at the age of 32. He was one of the most gifted martial artists that ever lived and didn't believe that tradition had all the answers. He drew inspiration from many sources and upset a lot of apple carts by doing things his own way. He was far from a perfect man, but his drive and charisma are an inspiration that deserve recognition. It's almost always a pleasure to see someone who loves what they are doing, performing it at a high level. That was certainly true with Bruce. He was a perfectionist who learned to write, direct, choreography, design sets, coach and act in his films. The evolution of his philosophy that evolved as part of his martial arts training was fascinating to learn about. I gleaned all of this by watching his 1973 film, Enter the Dragon, as well as the bonus material about his life. I know it isn't fair to compare lives, but I'm 33 now. What have I accomplished with a year more life than he had? I guess I've got my work cut out for me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_lee

D18: Lie back and think of England...

Here's an interesting excerpt I want to share... my comments at the bottom:

From Wiki @: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie_back_and_think_of_England

The phrase "lie back and think of England" was an expression supposedly used in the United Kingdom during the Victorian Era. Traditionally, it was advice given to a woman - usually from a mother to her daughter about to be married - about having sexual intercourse with her husband.

The origins of the phrase are unclear, but it is generally attributed to Alice, Lady Hillingdon (1857-1940), writing in her journal in 1912:

I am happy now that George calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.[1]

The phrase became popular some decades before the sexual revolution. The assumption was that women were not expected to view sex as pleasurable; instead, women were to view sex as a duty, performed essentially through passive availability.

Since women weren't expected to participate in sex in any meaningful way, or derive any special pleasure from sex, it would not be incongruous to think of something other than sex during sexual acts. Thinking of the continuity of the Empire, through conception and child-rearing, might even make the sexual act more pleasant. The phrase can be used broadly as encouragement for either gender to do something unpalatable.

--- end of Wiki excerpt ---

I think the history of phrases can be fascinating and lend us wonderful insight into cultures past and present. Isn't it sad how unsatisfying these couples sex lives must have been? Who likes a dead fish in bed? I know some people aren't comfortable being very vocal during sex, but to think that you just have to lie there and do your duty is very sad... Any modern woman who is suffering through this really needs to learn about communication. Because a healthy love life is a wonderful part of a loving relationship. Not having your needs met for fear of hurting your partner's feelings or just out of fear that it is shameful to desire sexual fulfillment is a tragedy.

If you need to get educated, just find some good modern writers on the web. I think that Violet Blue is a great choice for the open-minded. You won't necessarily want to try all the things she writes about - but it will certainly help open your mind...

Warning: Link below is NSFW (not suitable for work). You've been warned...
http://www.tinynibbles.com/index.php

D17: Haiku hotel....

I want a woman
Made of magic and passion
Haven't found her yet...

P.S. I think you'll be seeing plenty of days with haiku as my only entry. I want my blog to get me writing on a daily basis. But sometimes the days conspire to make it difficult to spend time on a thoughtful post. So I'd rather write a haiku that nothing. Hope you don't mind...

D16: Genghis Blues

Have you ever heard of throat singing? It's amazing stuff. I first learned about it from the wonderful and completely unique [Academy Award nominated] documentary called Genghis Blues. It's about a blind Blues musician who hears a recording of throat singing on shortwave radio one night. He then teaches himself how to sing this way and some years later reads that a Tuvan throat singing demonstration is going to be held nearby. He shows up, listens to the concert and then waits to talk to the singers afterwards. Without preparing them, he just starts belting out his own throat singing and blows them away so much that one of the singers invites him to Tuva, Russia to sing in the competition. It's a great story. You can rent it on Netflix or elsewhere. You can also get the soundtrack. But I thought I'd try embedding a YouTube video of throat singing. It's not from the film, but it will give you an idea. Here's a Wiki on throat singing and another on Genghis Blues. Paul Pena is dead now. But what a great thing to have happen in his last few years...


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Blues



There's a better YouTube video here, but I can't embed it within this post because the author has locked it... It's better than the Letterman clip by far!

D15: Neurotique...

Last night I watched a PBS special on the man (Walter Freeman) who brought the lobotomy technique to the US and "refined" it from a complex procedure requiring a neurosurgeon, anesthesiologist, assistants and lots of money to a 5-minute outpatient job that could be done through the eye socket with an icepick and a hammer almost anywhere. It was a brutal assault on the brain that basically destroyed a huge portion of the frontal lobes and robbed many people of their personalities in a profound way. This occurred before the advent of medications to treat mental health issues such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and psychosis. He would often go into a mental institution and have the doctors line the patients up. Then he would proceed to lobotomize all of them within a few hours. At the end of his career, when the medical community was starting to realize that his technique might not be the panacea they had originally thought (several studies were showing the long-term effects), he got increasingly desperate for new patients. He even started doing the procedure on children (the youngest being 4 years old). It was a very sad and disturbing documentary highlighting the dangers of unchecked ambition. Luckily, we now have strict protections in place to prevent things like this from happening. But most people who have studied this era in medical history think that Freeman actually believed he was helping until almost the very end. Here's a wikipedia article on lobotomies if you want to know more...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lobotomy

Was this romantic enough for you?

D14: Back on schedule...

How wonderful it feels to be caught up. Not that I've said much. But I did it! It's the 14th of January and I'm typing up my 14th post. Now all I have to do is go back and add several hundred lines of interesting reading to the 6 posts I haven't really written yet (including this one). But never let it be said that I didn't know how to hit the "post" button...

D13: Lightning Strikes!

I felt the world change today. I experienced the pure, unadulterated joy of seeing my San Diego Chargers win a huge underdog playoff victory over the Indianapolis Colts on the road! What a great rush. Very happy feelings....

D12: Longer than Day 11....

Imagine a posting here. Keep imagining. Now.... was that good for you too? Thanks for stopping by.

P.S. How long can I get away with this?

D11: Gone but not dead?

Wasn't someone going to do a 2-part special about Cast Away?

I really should do this. I loved the film when I saw it in Japan and my girlfriend at the time and I often made little jokes shouting "Wilson" whenever we wanted to be silly. I'll just say that I watched the film on the 6th floor of a building in Osaka in late 2000 or early 2001 and there was an earthquake during the film. The whole theater swayed back and forth, which was really scary in the dark. But noone got up to leave. It was very eerie, not knowing what to do. If anyone ever comments, perhaps I'll say more about this. But I did watch the movie again the other day on Blu-Ray and it really made me long for a partner in life. Time had distorted my memory of the ending however. I had thought that Tom Hanks fell in love with someone new at the end, but really it was only just given a very slight suggestion. I had made the connection in my mind because it made the film less sad. Great story though... What did you think?

D10: Elvis has left the building...

I heard someone was supposed to have a blog here. Any truth to this rumor?

And is it better to write something, however nonsensical or lacking in substance, than write nothing for the day?

What do you think?

D9: Humpday not to be taken literally...

Or at least it didn't live up to it's name. That's because you continue to elude me. And I imaging we're not going down that road until we've gotten to know each other a bit, right?

D8: The nature of chemistry…

This is day 8 of the quest for my soulmate, wherein I grope for answers about just how I/we're supposed to find this mythical thing called "love"…

Skip to the P.S. at the bottom immediately to find out all the reasons you're not going to like me. Chances are, you won't. Be happy. You've saved yourself a lot of time! And now for the foolish ones… Get comfortable… today's update is a long one!

The nature of online dating is such that it thrusts you into situations you'd never otherwise end up in. Because we're relying upon very incomplete information to make a decision about meeting someone, we're often surprised with the results. Any veteran of online dating knows that many people misrepresent themselves. There is a sense in which we're operating in a fantasy realm. I think some people send shockingly inaccurate photos, hoping we'll like the photos, want to meet and then somehow overlook the fact that they don't look anything like them. Worse are those who won't send photos or only send photos from the shoulders up. I can't speak for women, because I have never had the pleasure of being a woman. But as a man, I know that I generally know within one second or less whether or not I'm attracted to a woman. It's that simple. Except that it's not… It would be if I saw you outside in the real world. In face-to-face encounters we can rely upon our senses to deliver a great depth of information. Our minds capture photos the best cameras will never be able to take. But when all I have to go on are a few words in reply to my ad, it isn't easy…

You see, when someone sends you a nice email, saying they liked your ad, etc., etc. and they are simpatico, I start to get hopeful. Why do you think I put myself though this if I didn't believe it was possible? Of course I'm an optimistic person. So I'm automatically hoping for the best. Even if the response doesn't sound as well written or sophisticated as I would hope. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But then comes the photos…

What can I say about this? It isn't comfortable for any of us. We feel like we're being judged. And we are. It's inevitable. And it isn't fair. You absolutely deserve to be loved by a wonderful person no matter your appearance. But unfortunately, depending on your appearance, your definition of all-around wonderful partner has to be flexible…

It reminds me of my experience in high school, writing for the newspaper. I wanted to do a story on two students with disabilities, to try to find out more about them. I also wanted to humanize them so other students would be more likely to get past their disability and talk to them. One of the students I interviewed was named Todd, and he had cerebral palsy. He got around on a motorized wheelchair, which he operated via joystick with his right hand. It took practice to learn to understand his speech. He invited me into his life and we became friends. I learned that we shared a love of jazz and computers. We ended up going to school together for several years – he to become an architect and I to become a psychologist. I wrote a nice article for the school paper shortly after meeting both Todd and Shannon, but I also wrote a poem (privately) about the cruel nature of love…

I looked at Todd and saw a beautiful person. A kind and loving man who was fun to be around. The way his face lit up when listening to Big Band music from the 30's and 40's – pure, unrestrained JOY! You could tell that he'd be dancing if he weren't confined to his chair. I thought to myself… who is going to love this man? Who is going to be able to look past his disability and love this wonderful and worthy human being? After all the pain he experiences in a world that shies away from seeing him, isn't he MORE deserving of love than the rest of us? It made me deeply sad as a 16-year old to think of how unfair the world is. And that hasn't really changed. I thought of myself at the time as being imprisoned in a chair of my own making, my own shyness holding me back from being able to reach out to women I yearned to talk to. Here I was complaining about my shyness as an impediment to finding happiness when my friend had challenges I could never even comprehend!

So love can be cruel in the sense that every single person on earth deserves and needs to be loved and nurtured in a healthy relationship. Many of us have the added burden of being handicapped by not having had the right balance of love growing up in our own families. Everyone needs it. Everyone deserves it. But we don't get to choose how it will come to us. Sure we can keep it at bay, if we're foolish. We can choose not to let love into our lives. But we can't make anyone love us.

I've hated the online exchanges where I responded to an ad, they showed an interest, I send the photo and then there's no response… It's no fun. But it's the nature of the game. You'll do it to me; I'll do it to you. Love isn't rational. Love isn't fair. Love isn't anything resembling sensible. Love is. If you want to make the world a better place, save yourself time and energy – send real photos! Send full body photos. Send photos in a variety of poses. If a man isn't interested, then celebrate! Thank God! That's one more possibility you've crossed off your list! That means you're that much closer to finding the person you're meant to be with. If the man you're with isn't attracted to you – doesn't love you as you really are – then he's not the right one. Find the one who is! Happiness comes when two people match well together. So if you're a woman who isn't height-weight proportionate, don't expect to be with a man who is unless he really likes women who aren't. There's no use lamenting the fact that there's no attraction. Have you seen the elaborate mating dances that thousands of male species have to do throughout the animal kingdom to entice a female? They are utterly astounding in their beauty and complexity. And yet even these gorgeous male peacocks who we consider flawless get rejected by 19 out of 20 females they present to. Or 99 out of 100. The business of love is not for the faint of heart…

Online dating is an artificial environment. Because it is so abstracted from real-life encounters, it causes us to respond to people who we might not otherwise ever talk to. And the reason for that is because, in a face-to-face environment, we would immediately realize there was no attraction and focus our attention elsewhere. But again, we're working in a sensory-deprived realm, and thus, the potential for confusing moments…

I'm sorry to those that have written and send photos that didn't capture my fancy. I truly am. If I were a blind man, I'd probably be much happier. Because I've said no to some truly great people who, on paper have so many of the qualities I'm looking for. This may be day 8 of 80 or 800 or 8000 (although I might be a very bitter man by then)! But the quest goes on because when that person appears, your life is transformed. So I keep looking. And so should you…

P.S. Here's some bits you'll have to contend with if you think you might actually be interested in me: I'm 33, never married, 5'8", 180, a pauper living in a nice neighborhood. I don't like bars, I don't like clubs. I don't care for alcohol, although I don't mind if you drink moderately and will be happy to share a drink with you if it really makes you happy. I drink tea, not coffee. I'm an introverted extrovert. I love swallowing information. I'm fascinated by the creative process, especially in seeing how the talents of individuals can be coordinated to make something greater. I'm passionate, nerdy, sophisticated, shy, talkative, quiet, wildly energetic, madly curious and a very good kisser. But then you already knew that, didn't you?

D7: I know nothing!

Day 7 of my quest to find the woman I'm meant to spend my life with….

These words come almost 24 hours after I said they would, the consequence of lingering illness and wavering resolve. It's not that I'm any less interested in finding the love of my life. It's simply that I'm at a loss as to what to say. But perhaps it always starts that way. You stare into the void and wait for something to blossom. The light has to come from within. Here's my rant for the day…

How do I approach the issue of the ticking clock? I'm 33 and I tend to appreciate women close to my own age – because I seek an equal in wisdom and experience. Sometimes this can be found in younger women. Often times not. All of the meaningful long-term relationships I've had, save one, have been with women about my age (or slightly older). The one exception was a brilliant gal about 5 years my junior. Here's the rub… If I'm 33 and you're close to 33, your clock is probably ticking like mad. Your body is sounding the alarm saying MAKE BABIES FAST OR THE EGGS WILL DIE! Your entire life, our culture has socialized you to NEED to have children to have a meaningful existence. Plus, let's face it, the HORMONES make you want to have one. What's a gal to do? Many of you in this boat are looking to get married SOON and start having kids within a few years so you dreams of motherhood aren't shattered by the nightmare of birth defects, miscarriages and other tragedies. I'm not trying to come across as an ass (although I probably am). I have seen, firsthand, the intense pain a couple faces when they have a miscarriage. It's a heart wrenching experience that places a huge burden on a marriage. I understand the fear…

So here I am, wanting to find an equal. Waiting to find the woman I can cherish forever. Do I give up on finding women my own age? How many times can I say I won't be in a position to responsibly raise children for at least 5 years? How many women will still be interested if I say I don't have any desire to have children at this point in my life? Of course it may change. People don't stand still. They grow with time. And I know that when the love you've waited your life for is there, you do make compromises. My friend is still working on his doctorate full time, despite having to help raise their 1-year old. He didn't want to have children, period. Let alone while trying to earn his Ph.D. But love has a funny way of making things happen you don't expect. While it's very tough balancing everything, he loves being a father and he's clearly a good one.

Would the same hold true for me? I don't know. In truth, I know nothing. How crazy are we to think we know what's best for us? We create so many rules for how things are supposed to be. We plan out our lives years in advanced in some cases – having a clear picture of how things NEED to be. But life doesn't work that way…

I might think you're somewhere between 25 and 35 but who knows what the universe has in store for me? Clearly I have not been successful in finding my life's love. Perhaps you have something to teach me?

D6: On the road to love…

My Beloved,

Can you help me be strong? Can you help me resist the urge to fall into the comforting warmth of another's embrace? I know it isn't you. Truly I do. That voice in the back of my head says 'this is not the one'. And yet you know me so well. You know that I yearn to share the magic of another's touch. To settle into the comforts of a nurturing relationship. To feel loved and cared for. To know that someone values me and can't wait to see me again. To wake up with someone day after day and smile into those eyes without fear of malice. But comfort is not love. Affection can't support a foundation that only love was meant to hold.

It's such a dangerous time my love. I'm searching for you in earnest. I'm reaching out to you, trying to find you in a sea of faces. So many of them are good, sweet, kind and gentle faces. These are loving women after the same things that you and I have been searching our lifetime for. How will I know it's really you when so many of them are on such a similar quest? I think that sometimes we're so anxious to find each other, we reach into the crowd too soon and come out with the wrong hand.

Am I mad to think I know you before we've ever met? If I haven't found you yet, who am I to say what kind of woman you are? How naïve are we to assume we know what curious mix of traits we will find in each other. It certainly isn't going to be a perfect mix. We're still going to do things to irritate each other 40 years from now. Because you know I'll always be fallible. I'll say the wrong things and upset you. Or be impulsive and start a project around the house, but have no idea that you just can't abide me doing it that way. It will go both ways of course. You'll upset me as well. But I won't show the hurt as easily because I learned to hide these things in the name of harmony growing up. So I'll be a bit more mercurial than you might like at times - until you can learn to draw me out and teach me how to show you my pain.

My love, I know you're brilliant. Far smarter than the average college graduate. But it's so much more than that. You're intellectual. You're well read and well informed about a broad range of topics. You'll always be learning something new. You might even listen to audio books or download free lectures from iTunes University on all kinds of topics you didn't have the chance to study in school. Perhaps film study, existentialism, journalism, modernity, astrophysics, whatever tickles your fancy! You don't consider one lifetime enough to learn all that you want to learn. You wish you could live ten lifetimes or a hundred, just to drink in all that the world has to offer. And perhaps you will! Who knows what life holds in store for us? Stay strong, sharpen your wit and for the love of god, please give me a sign! Then maybe sprinkle some crumbs for me to follow…

One more thing, honey. About the kids… I think we have to talk about this a bit more. You know that I'm a loving person who will give myself to you, heart and soul. That said, even though I don't have any desire for children now, that doesn't mean I won't want them a few years into our marriage. Of course you know I want to raise them responsibly, in an environment where we both have the time, energy and financial stability to do so.

But I'm wondering if I should take a few parenting classes before we set off on that path. You see, Luke, my 5-year old Siamese, still thinks he's a kitten. He still tries to nurse when he's laying on my chest or sitting on my shoulders. I know he's too old to be nursing and that he should have been weaned years ago. But I just don't have the heart to do it…. How will I be able to raise a baby if I can't even draw a boundary with my kitty? I hope you know how to be disciplined. I'm counting on you to whip me into shape! Please come home soon, dear! The bed's so empty without you….

D5 : The Art of Silence

I'm sick today, so this is not going to be a thing of beauty...

It's hard to meet your heart's desire when you're home sick all day. Perhaps if I were in the hospital instead? Oh well. I've had some wonderful people write me but I've been too dead to reply. I'm only posting this because I promised myself I'd do this daily until I found her.

Here's some information you may want to pass on to anyone whom you suspect may be my wife:

I'm 5'8" tall. I don't really care what your height is. If you're my height or taller and you ego can't take the shame of being over my head when you're in heels then I consider you a shallow person I'm happy not to know. I'm not a slave to common societal conventions. Love isn't about the things society thinks define us, it's about what's at the core of who we are. That said, I know that many of you have a very clear picture in your mind of who your soulmate to be is...



Here's a few things that will hopefully dissuade you from pursuing me:

I won't be done with my Ph.D. for at least a year. Even afterwards, I'm looking at several lean years while I earn the hours necessary for licensure. With the time it takes to get established in my profession, plus all the student loan debt I have acquired, I won't be in ANY position to responsibly raise children for AT LEAST 5 years, minimum. And I'm not even sure I want kids. Sure I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew, but I don't think I NEED kids to be happy or feel fulfilled in life.

I don't own a home and won't be in an position to buy one for a long time.

I'm not religious, although I'm respectful and understanding to those who are. That's not to say I'm an atheist, but I'm not a fan of any organized religion.

Life is too short to waste on dating people that don't really have the beliefs and qualities that you really value. So don't be afraid to ask the hard questions early on in the process of getting to know people. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by not letting yourself fall in love with people that you'll never truly mesh with.

So don't be afraid to be particular. You won't end up alone forever for wanting too much. Just make sure that what you're looking for in a man is based on his character as a human being, the principles he stands for, the morals that have shaped how he lives. Don't be shallow and waste your time chasing the 2.5 bedrooms and the white picket fence above the spirit that makes the man you love who he is.

Hopefully I've scared plenty off. God knows I don't want to waste your time pretending to be something I'm not just so we can get involved for a few months, get hurt and then have to start over with more wounds that we began with.



So, it's early but I'm going to see if I can't sleep this cold off...

Stay well, be positive and don't try to make something work with someone who really doesn't have the qualities you need to be happy. Love yourself enough to say no to love for the sake of comfort. We all need to feel loved, to be held and experience passion. But don't jump on the wrong ship because you're afraid it might be the last one!

Take care, drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest and don't write me unless all of this really makes some kind of crazy sense to you...

Chances are, I'm probably NOT your type. But someone is. And he's waiting...

D4: O.I.M.A.N.W.T.A.

Objects in mirror are not what they appear…

This is day four of the quest to find the woman my soul yearns for…

Things to tell my wife:

As you know, it's been over 33 years now and I haven't been able to find my wife. I thought I'd found her several times. I even picked out a ring once. But thus far those years have merely been long-term investments with poor yields. Good thing I'm not a stock broker…

I think that in a way, finding the person you want to spend your life with is like signing up for a degree at a university in which they won't tell you how many classes you need to graduate. You just have to keep taking classes until one day someone taps you on the shoulder and says here's your diploma. I think the only problem is that not only do we not know how many classes we have to take, but we don't know WHAT classes we have to take! And, as the bard would say, "Therein lies the rub"…

Given that I have been looking these 33 odd years, I recognize that she's better at hide and seek than I am. So I'll do my best to shed the artifice and lay bare the nature of my desires:

I believe in loving with complete abandon. I know that love has scarred all of us in its own unique ways, but we can't let that get in the way of letting the walls down for the right one. What is love but bearing your soul? How can you hope to build the foundation for a life together without talking about your fears? I consider finding your partner in life to be perhaps the most meaningful pursuit there is. And yet how seriously do we take this goal? When you're talking about the possibility of spending 50 + years of your life in an increasing state of happiness, how can we not try harder? I look at my cat and I'm overflowing with love for this wonderful little creature that adds such joy to my life. He makes me laugh, smile and provides endless fascination as I watch him interact with his environment. He's a very silly boy. And the love I have for him is just the tiniest fraction of what I'm waiting to share with the one.

So please, if you see my wife, tell her that I am working hard to find her. I've committed myself to this pursuit and will not rest until we are reunited. Granted there are things that get in the way… I am not independently wealthy, so I do have to work. And if I hadn't already committed myself to finishing this Ph.D., I would have a lot more time to look for her. I wish I had enough money to hire a private investigator. Anyone know a good P.I. who would trade some detective work for free psychotherapy? Think how much easier it would be if I had a private eye on the case!

Ok, fellow wanderers, please do what you can to spread the word. If you know any private eyes, even if they're amateurs, let them know I'm interested in trading whatever services I can offer for their help in finding my wife. Free counseling, yard word, car washes, house cleaning (I wield a mean vacuum), shopping, massage, you name it, I'll give it a try.

And as payback to all those who've stuck with me this far, let me extend my offer of help to you as well.

If, like me, you are searching for your ONE, please tell me about him (and about you). Given my profession and experiences, I think I'm a good judge of character. If I can help you locate your husband, I'll be glad to do anything I can. If we have to put our heads together to figure this out, then let's do it! I want happiness for everyone, not just myself. So send love out in your thoughts. Believe that you absolutely deserve to be blissfully happy. Let's make it happen!

See you tomorrow! And don't forget to send in photos, descriptions and any other clues you have.

P.S. Several kind souls have already sent me a number of clues I have to investigate further. And I'm very excited about looking into all that they've shared. However, today ended up being rather full and I just didn't wind up with enough steam to do it all. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful and will get back to everyone that passed on good information soon. Also, for what it's worth, it's MUCH faster for me to do my investigating over the phone. Everyone knows that energy runs through the phone lines much more powerfully than it does through the internet. There is magic in the human voice. There are voices that bring tears to our eyes just to hear the ache in their souls. Sure I'm game for exchanging a few emails back and forth to get the investigation under way. But when you really want to jump-start things, let's talk… There are few things I enjoy more than a good conversation. Except, of course, pirates…

D3: The Accident

{In which our hapless protagonist wishes he had reviewed some basic physics principles before leaving the house this morning…}

My mission: To write a new diary entry every day on Craigslist until I've found the woman I'm meant to spend my life with… and to amuse you in the process

Day 3: Where were you honey?

Was I really alive when I woke up this morning? I mean really alive in that vital, I am aware of the universe, kind of sense? Apparently not, because two minutes after leaving my house I was on the side of the road with a crack in my helmet and a newfound awareness of my body. I was a non-voluntary blood donor at the intersection of asphalt and elbow. In what I consider a very unfair trade, I was compensated with some free asphalt. It was embedded into my arm, gratis! My takeaway lesson is threefold: Don't turn too fast. Don't turn too fast especially if you are leaning into the turn. And finally, don't EVER let your pedal catch the ground while turning… unless you enjoy making donations at unmanned roadside blood drives.

Where were you this morning? When I really NEEDED you? Do you know how hard it is to wrap bandages around your elbow while holding down gauze 1-handed? Well, it wasn't that bad in the end… I rode on to work despite the owie. Had a shower at work and washed as much asphalt out of the wound as I could with soap and determination. I work with two nurses, so I had them take a look and pronounce judgment. No amputation necessary. Phew…

Onto the search….

No big leads to follow in the real world today. Perhaps pain dulled my ability to see the world with unblinking eyes?

But I have had a few more fellow wanderers contact me! There were suggestions that I file a missing person's report. I'd really like to, but again, I don't have a definitive picture of her that I can give to the FBI. I still need your help. Please send me a picture of her if you have one. If you're not sure, send it anyway, along with any information you have. I'm really anxious to find her.

I know we don't have much info to go on yet, but this is what my heart tells me…

She's creative, affectionate, warm, loving and full of compassion for the world. She's intellectual, loves books on a wide variety of subjects and doesn't always reach for the easy reads. She leads a healthy lifestyle, appreciates the arts, isn't afraid to watch films with subtitles, has some interesting hobbies, knows that you have to make the toilet paper roll out from the top and that Bush may be the worst president in the history of the United States.

Sorry if I lost you with the Bush comment there, but it had to be said… Nevertheless, if, in some strange, alternate universe, my wife actually likes Bush, I guess I’ll have to love her anyway. After all, my dad likes Bush and I love and admire him very much. We just don’t talk politics much. It’s much more fun to just watch football games together… Go Chargers!

[I’ve been a San Diego native since birth, except for those two years abroad…]

Ok, enough clues for tonight. I've got to write back to a few fellow wanderers!