My Beloved,
Can you help me be strong? Can you help me resist the urge to fall into the comforting warmth of another's embrace? I know it isn't you. Truly I do. That voice in the back of my head says 'this is not the one'. And yet you know me so well. You know that I yearn to share the magic of another's touch. To settle into the comforts of a nurturing relationship. To feel loved and cared for. To know that someone values me and can't wait to see me again. To wake up with someone day after day and smile into those eyes without fear of malice. But comfort is not love. Affection can't support a foundation that only love was meant to hold.
It's such a dangerous time my love. I'm searching for you in earnest. I'm reaching out to you, trying to find you in a sea of faces. So many of them are good, sweet, kind and gentle faces. These are loving women after the same things that you and I have been searching our lifetime for. How will I know it's really you when so many of them are on such a similar quest? I think that sometimes we're so anxious to find each other, we reach into the crowd too soon and come out with the wrong hand.
Am I mad to think I know you before we've ever met? If I haven't found you yet, who am I to say what kind of woman you are? How naïve are we to assume we know what curious mix of traits we will find in each other. It certainly isn't going to be a perfect mix. We're still going to do things to irritate each other 40 years from now. Because you know I'll always be fallible. I'll say the wrong things and upset you. Or be impulsive and start a project around the house, but have no idea that you just can't abide me doing it that way. It will go both ways of course. You'll upset me as well. But I won't show the hurt as easily because I learned to hide these things in the name of harmony growing up. So I'll be a bit more mercurial than you might like at times - until you can learn to draw me out and teach me how to show you my pain.
My love, I know you're brilliant. Far smarter than the average college graduate. But it's so much more than that. You're intellectual. You're well read and well informed about a broad range of topics. You'll always be learning something new. You might even listen to audio books or download free lectures from iTunes University on all kinds of topics you didn't have the chance to study in school. Perhaps film study, existentialism, journalism, modernity, astrophysics, whatever tickles your fancy! You don't consider one lifetime enough to learn all that you want to learn. You wish you could live ten lifetimes or a hundred, just to drink in all that the world has to offer. And perhaps you will! Who knows what life holds in store for us? Stay strong, sharpen your wit and for the love of god, please give me a sign! Then maybe sprinkle some crumbs for me to follow…
One more thing, honey. About the kids… I think we have to talk about this a bit more. You know that I'm a loving person who will give myself to you, heart and soul. That said, even though I don't have any desire for children now, that doesn't mean I won't want them a few years into our marriage. Of course you know I want to raise them responsibly, in an environment where we both have the time, energy and financial stability to do so.
But I'm wondering if I should take a few parenting classes before we set off on that path. You see, Luke, my 5-year old Siamese, still thinks he's a kitten. He still tries to nurse when he's laying on my chest or sitting on my shoulders. I know he's too old to be nursing and that he should have been weaned years ago. But I just don't have the heart to do it…. How will I be able to raise a baby if I can't even draw a boundary with my kitty? I hope you know how to be disciplined. I'm counting on you to whip me into shape! Please come home soon, dear! The bed's so empty without you….
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