D31: Kobe beef - good neighbor or good meal?

My co-workers go out to lunch several times a week. I generally stay at work and each my sensible, healthy(ish) frozen meal and supplement it throughout the day with tea, carrots and hummus, fruit and whatever bad things someone brought it to ruin us. But today was a good day to get out and so I went. We had a nice lunch at Sammy's Woodfired Pizza, a chain that's pretty similar to Pizza Nova and California Pizza Kitchen. I'd never been there, but I'd had pizza from Trader Joe's (a great market) twice in the past week and I didn't want any more. So I ordered the Kobe beef mini cheeseburgers with gorgonzola cheese a chipotle sauce and a hint of something else. They were delicious.

If you know anything about Kobe beef, it's supposed to be some of the most delicious beef in the world because the cows are massaged daily to get the fat to comingle with the meat in a way that makes them singularly scrumptious. Kobe beef is supposed to come from the city of Kobe, Japan. But most of it really comes from an island less than an hour from Kobe called Awajishima. That's where I lived during my two years teaching English. My apartment was at the top of a hill about 10 minutes from the junior high school where I taught. Halfway up the hill was a barn that had several cows that may have eventually become Kobe beef. They were good neighbors. I never smelled them or heard them playing any loud music. But I probably ate some of their relatives anyway. And that probably ought to change. Not necessarily for animal rights reasons - althought it's certainly something to think about. We may need to start eating a lot less meat for the future of the planet. There was an excellent NY Times article called "Rethinking the Meat-Guzzler" that really had me doing even more thinking about how much change we need in the very near future to bring the world back from the precipace. We can't sustain the lifestyle we're living. And as countries like China and India develop their middle classes and increase their energy needs exponentially, we are well and truly fucked. There are millions of new cars being put on the roads every year in China and India. They now sell a car in India called the Tata for $2500! This is a very scary thing. I'm going to link to the article, get this off my chest and then shut up for the day..

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING! Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day...

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/27/weekinreview/27bittman.html

D30: Rewriting history...

I've discovered a deliciously devilish feature on Blogger. I can lie about the date that my posting is posted. So, if I'm late in getting to a day's post, I can still make it appear as if it was posted on the day I was supposed to post it. So I've gone back and fixed every posting so they all 'happened' on the day they were supposed to. Perfect for a procrastinator. But now, I'm obviously a morally suspect character. Why would I lie to make it look like my Day 30 posting really was posted on January 30th? Because I'm a silly man. Silly, and drunk with the power I have to rewrite my own little corner of history. Thank you for putting me on the path to ruin, Carissa. You're a very good friend...

P.S. I predict that the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl 17-14 over the New England Patriots, even though they are 11 point underdogs. Anyone want to take the bet?

D29: The birth of ambivalence...

"When the student is ready, the teacher will come" Old Chinese proverb

When we are ready, does love come along? I'm not sure the right kind of love does come around until we are truly ready. Love involves a lot of growth. To be ready to share your life with someone, you need to have your house in order. For me, the times I've been most successful in finding love have been when I was happy and moving forward with plenty of momentum in my life. It's hard to feel attractive and confident when you feel like you are spinning your wheels. I think it's quite hard for men to present that aura of cocky confidence when they're not happy. And I'm not truly happy right now. I'm not satisfied with my current situation. I hate that it feels like I'm going nowhere in my dissertation. It's really depressing. Truly. When I'm unhappy and when I don't respect myself, how the hell am I supposed to sell you on how great I am? There's so much ambivalence inside me. I know I'm a good guy with a lot to offer but I'm so ambitious and goal oriented (and hard on myself) that I've lost my mojo. And without my mojo, how will I find you? My mojo gives me the cocky charisma that lets me turn the charm on and really shine. Without it, I'm just a quiet guy that recedes into the shadows...

D28: The chip on my shoulder...

There are certain subjects we are all sensitive about. When forced to talk about them, we often reveal some of our unhealed psychic wounds. It seems money and achievement are such things for me. I felt like I came across as both a braggart and an embarrassed underachiever when I wrote you about my current and future prospects. Can we start anew? What you need to know is that I'm an excellent long-term investment. And that I love with a full heart. I truly believe that character is far more important than one's current circumstances. Of course, being the romantic I am, I will never abandon hope that the right woman will grasp the full picture.

What I mean by this is that I believe myself to be deserving of a certain caliber of woman. And I don't want to settle for anything less. But I fear that I might not be able to attract the kind of woman I want because I haven't yet achieved the level of success I feel I should have. Success breeds confidence. And success feels like it's a long way away right now. The burnout I've experienced on the road to a Ph.D. has been enormous. And the psychic fallout has been particularly damaging. Is it normal to be afraid of failure? Of course. Completing a dissertation is the hardest thing some people will ever do.

I think that many of the hardest goals to achieve require a phenomenal amount of fortitude. I think for me, completing this dissertation is like eating a giant ice burger. And that's all I have to say about that...

D27: Walking in your footsteps...

Am I a pauper?
My justification felt
out of character

D26: I want to be dancing with you...

I've recently started a modern dance class on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings. I've never taken a dance class in my life, but I've always been interested in it. I have a lot of mirrors in my home and I must confess I have fun just randomly creating free form dance moves when music comes on that gets me. Mind you, these are not moves that I would bust out at a club. They are probably a bit too out there for that scene. But it's always been one of my silly dreams to be able to perfectly copy the famous dance in Napoleon Dynamite.

So on to modern dance... It's only my 4th or 5th class but I'm really enjoying it. It is decent exercise (I'm sure it will get much more cardio and strength intense as I advance) but it's also a chance for creative expression through the body and a mental challenge. It reminds me of karate in many ways. It forces your mind and body to work together, creating new muscle memories and making you learn to do several opposing things at once.

I can't wait to get good enough to be in the advanced classes because they are filled with beautiful women and only a few men - most of whom are probably gay. Which means I have zero competition when I'm there. But who knows where I'll meet you? I'm hoping to get you on the phone soon..

D25: Distance lends enchantment to the view...

"Distance lends enchantment to the view" was a fortune that my first girlfriend received in a cookie when she was 16. We were long distance lovers, me in San Diego and she in Virginia Beach. On opposite oceans and over 3,000 miles apart. I remember she wrote on the back (because I still have that fortune), "if we can just hold out 2 more years, all of our dreams will come true". She was going to move to San Diego after finishing high school so that we could spend our lives together. What a wonderfully optimistic dream. But loving someone deeply and being apart from them is very difficult. And the teenage years are not a static time. We changed and grew apart. It was a great year and a half and I'm very happy to have had the experience of being forced to learn about communicating with women before hormones made the equation more challenging.

That was my one and only long-distance relationship. I had an ex-girlfriend of mine tell me that I should never get involved with a woman who has to travel a lot. Because I'm just not built to deal with the separation. In a sense, I think that's true. When I love, I don't do it halfway. So I hate being away from the one I love. But I've endured it before (2 months worth during an 18 month relationship). And I can again, for the right person.

But choosing a long-distance relationship when there were other options right in my own back yard? That would be a rare thing indeed. I think it would have to be a very sunny girl...

D24: One blue, the other green..

I haven't written
In that, I am remiss
You are in my thoughts

D23: The two bays...

On a quest, but lost..
Was it a sad delusion
to think I'd find you?

D22: Fortunate cookie...

Did you know that the fortune cookies we know and love from Chinese restaurants in the US almost certainly originated in Japan? Strange but true. You can read the fascinating history here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/dining/16fort.html

It was a great article (but then I'm a Japanophile, so I'm biased), but even more fun was the fact that they invited readers to share stories about the best fortunes they had received in their cookies. Over 500 people had left comments when I last checked and some of them were truly wonderful. I'm going to paste a few below, but here's the URL:

http://community.nytimes.com/article/comments/2008/01/16/dining/16fort.html?s=3

My boyfriend and I were finishing our dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant with my parents. I opened my fortune cookie and smugly showed everyone that mine said, "You are destined for marital bliss".

My boyfriend read his silently and proceeded to laugh out loud. His fortune said, "Look before you leap".

We have now been married for 17 years.

— clinmroz, FH,MI

I was lamenting all day that I had said I would go out with this guy because he was really boring, unattractive (to me), and I just didn't like him "that way". He was so nice and such a thoughtful person that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I had said yes when he asked me out. We went for dinner at a Chinese restaurant, after which my fortune cookie said, "A forced kindness deserves no thanks." Serves me right.

— Jackie, New York

The FBI & CIA are watching you. Eat this note.

— Dan, Florida

He Loves you as much as he can but he cannot love you very much.

— Katherine, Riverdale

About 5 years ago, I was secretly in love with a co-worker, who "liked me as a friend." I pursued her for years, but she never showed any serious interest.

We went out after work for chinese food and drinks.

The fortune cookie read "Have the courage to seek your desires."

That was all the excuse I needed. Right outside the chinese restaurant I pulled her close to me and kissed her. Rather than getting the knee in the groin that i was expecting, she return the gesture.

Getting married next april

— Senor fancy pants, western hemisphere

In Rochester MN at the Mayo Clinic, my brother Lynn received the tough news that he had perhaps a few weeks to live. He said to his daughter and me "Well, let's get some lunch. Chinese?" He cracked his cookie at meal's end, unfolded the paper, and silent tears flowed. The paper read "Your eyes will be opened to a new and beautiful world." It is in his coffin.

— Lynn's Brother, Ellensburg, WA

My all-time favorite is "Only the mediocre are always at their best."

— Barbara, Rochester, MN

"Live your life as if you had to sit next to yourself on an airplane."

— Erinaceous, NYC

D21: My thanks to the King...

Thank you, Dr. King, for sacrificing your life to make the world a better place. Thank you for your courage and your conviction. Thank you for living without fear in the face of numerous death threats. Thank you for holding the mirror up to the darkness of our society so unflinchingly and under such weight. We didn't like what we saw. Many of us weren't ready. But you and millions of others fought against the status quo. You said that the southern 'tradition' was wrong. You demanded equal rights. And over four decades later, the world is a much better place. But there is still so much injustice across the globe. We need more Kings to lead us forward. To live by their convictions and put wrongdoing under the microscope for all to see. Who will be next to take the throne? Or are we now too cynical and jaded to notice the great sacrifice of those around us? Let's pray for the strength to live with unblinking eyes...

D20: Underdogged...

I watched the final Charger game of the season with my family and a few friends today. They were 14 point underdogs and no one in the national media gave them a chance again the undefeated (17-0) Patriots, the 'team of destiny'. We struggled mightily and it was a very good game. If not for three serious injuries to our best players, we might have won. In fact, even in spite of the injuries, if the fickle winds of fate had blown just a little bit more in our favor, we could have easily won. It was a close game. And we didn't embarrass ourselves. So now I can move on to other things, since god knows I don't have much time for sports at this point in my doctoral studies.

But having an emotional investment in 'your team' is an interesting thing. First of all, I'm not a sports nut. As I said, I don't have time to be. But as a San Diego native who has lived here 31 of my 33 years, I consider it reasonable to have an interest in my home teams. So I care about the Chargers and the Padres. When I watch Charger games my blood pressure goes up. I have to work on my breathing sometimes. I cheer, I hope, I sometimes shout. Because it's nice to feel like you're part of something bigger. Even if it's just a silly game between teams of men that's far more violent than it has any business being.

We live in such a fractionalized society. My neighbors live in fortresses. Nobody knows each other. There's no sense of community. We're not connected. It's very alienating. And when you're not a church-goer or part of some larger social network, it's very hard to feel connected sometimes. We exist in a vast series of metropolises, but we're really just living in isolated pockets of humanity. We get a sense of community from co-workers and friends and perhaps some of the groups we belong in. But we don't know the vast majority of the people around us. So, silly as it is, it's nice to be a fan sometimes and to know that in some small way there's a common thread between us. Unless you're a Patriots fan, of course. In which case I hope you die an excruciating death.... Just kidding! [-:

D19: Enter the dragon...

Bruce Lee died at the age of 32. He was one of the most gifted martial artists that ever lived and didn't believe that tradition had all the answers. He drew inspiration from many sources and upset a lot of apple carts by doing things his own way. He was far from a perfect man, but his drive and charisma are an inspiration that deserve recognition. It's almost always a pleasure to see someone who loves what they are doing, performing it at a high level. That was certainly true with Bruce. He was a perfectionist who learned to write, direct, choreography, design sets, coach and act in his films. The evolution of his philosophy that evolved as part of his martial arts training was fascinating to learn about. I gleaned all of this by watching his 1973 film, Enter the Dragon, as well as the bonus material about his life. I know it isn't fair to compare lives, but I'm 33 now. What have I accomplished with a year more life than he had? I guess I've got my work cut out for me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_lee

D18: Lie back and think of England...

Here's an interesting excerpt I want to share... my comments at the bottom:

From Wiki @: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie_back_and_think_of_England

The phrase "lie back and think of England" was an expression supposedly used in the United Kingdom during the Victorian Era. Traditionally, it was advice given to a woman - usually from a mother to her daughter about to be married - about having sexual intercourse with her husband.

The origins of the phrase are unclear, but it is generally attributed to Alice, Lady Hillingdon (1857-1940), writing in her journal in 1912:

I am happy now that George calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.[1]

The phrase became popular some decades before the sexual revolution. The assumption was that women were not expected to view sex as pleasurable; instead, women were to view sex as a duty, performed essentially through passive availability.

Since women weren't expected to participate in sex in any meaningful way, or derive any special pleasure from sex, it would not be incongruous to think of something other than sex during sexual acts. Thinking of the continuity of the Empire, through conception and child-rearing, might even make the sexual act more pleasant. The phrase can be used broadly as encouragement for either gender to do something unpalatable.

--- end of Wiki excerpt ---

I think the history of phrases can be fascinating and lend us wonderful insight into cultures past and present. Isn't it sad how unsatisfying these couples sex lives must have been? Who likes a dead fish in bed? I know some people aren't comfortable being very vocal during sex, but to think that you just have to lie there and do your duty is very sad... Any modern woman who is suffering through this really needs to learn about communication. Because a healthy love life is a wonderful part of a loving relationship. Not having your needs met for fear of hurting your partner's feelings or just out of fear that it is shameful to desire sexual fulfillment is a tragedy.

If you need to get educated, just find some good modern writers on the web. I think that Violet Blue is a great choice for the open-minded. You won't necessarily want to try all the things she writes about - but it will certainly help open your mind...

Warning: Link below is NSFW (not suitable for work). You've been warned...
http://www.tinynibbles.com/index.php

D17: Haiku hotel....

I want a woman
Made of magic and passion
Haven't found her yet...

P.S. I think you'll be seeing plenty of days with haiku as my only entry. I want my blog to get me writing on a daily basis. But sometimes the days conspire to make it difficult to spend time on a thoughtful post. So I'd rather write a haiku that nothing. Hope you don't mind...

D16: Genghis Blues

Have you ever heard of throat singing? It's amazing stuff. I first learned about it from the wonderful and completely unique [Academy Award nominated] documentary called Genghis Blues. It's about a blind Blues musician who hears a recording of throat singing on shortwave radio one night. He then teaches himself how to sing this way and some years later reads that a Tuvan throat singing demonstration is going to be held nearby. He shows up, listens to the concert and then waits to talk to the singers afterwards. Without preparing them, he just starts belting out his own throat singing and blows them away so much that one of the singers invites him to Tuva, Russia to sing in the competition. It's a great story. You can rent it on Netflix or elsewhere. You can also get the soundtrack. But I thought I'd try embedding a YouTube video of throat singing. It's not from the film, but it will give you an idea. Here's a Wiki on throat singing and another on Genghis Blues. Paul Pena is dead now. But what a great thing to have happen in his last few years...


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Blues



There's a better YouTube video here, but I can't embed it within this post because the author has locked it... It's better than the Letterman clip by far!

D15: Neurotique...

Last night I watched a PBS special on the man (Walter Freeman) who brought the lobotomy technique to the US and "refined" it from a complex procedure requiring a neurosurgeon, anesthesiologist, assistants and lots of money to a 5-minute outpatient job that could be done through the eye socket with an icepick and a hammer almost anywhere. It was a brutal assault on the brain that basically destroyed a huge portion of the frontal lobes and robbed many people of their personalities in a profound way. This occurred before the advent of medications to treat mental health issues such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and psychosis. He would often go into a mental institution and have the doctors line the patients up. Then he would proceed to lobotomize all of them within a few hours. At the end of his career, when the medical community was starting to realize that his technique might not be the panacea they had originally thought (several studies were showing the long-term effects), he got increasingly desperate for new patients. He even started doing the procedure on children (the youngest being 4 years old). It was a very sad and disturbing documentary highlighting the dangers of unchecked ambition. Luckily, we now have strict protections in place to prevent things like this from happening. But most people who have studied this era in medical history think that Freeman actually believed he was helping until almost the very end. Here's a wikipedia article on lobotomies if you want to know more...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lobotomy

Was this romantic enough for you?

D14: Back on schedule...

How wonderful it feels to be caught up. Not that I've said much. But I did it! It's the 14th of January and I'm typing up my 14th post. Now all I have to do is go back and add several hundred lines of interesting reading to the 6 posts I haven't really written yet (including this one). But never let it be said that I didn't know how to hit the "post" button...

D13: Lightning Strikes!

I felt the world change today. I experienced the pure, unadulterated joy of seeing my San Diego Chargers win a huge underdog playoff victory over the Indianapolis Colts on the road! What a great rush. Very happy feelings....

D12: Longer than Day 11....

Imagine a posting here. Keep imagining. Now.... was that good for you too? Thanks for stopping by.

P.S. How long can I get away with this?

D11: Gone but not dead?

Wasn't someone going to do a 2-part special about Cast Away?

I really should do this. I loved the film when I saw it in Japan and my girlfriend at the time and I often made little jokes shouting "Wilson" whenever we wanted to be silly. I'll just say that I watched the film on the 6th floor of a building in Osaka in late 2000 or early 2001 and there was an earthquake during the film. The whole theater swayed back and forth, which was really scary in the dark. But noone got up to leave. It was very eerie, not knowing what to do. If anyone ever comments, perhaps I'll say more about this. But I did watch the movie again the other day on Blu-Ray and it really made me long for a partner in life. Time had distorted my memory of the ending however. I had thought that Tom Hanks fell in love with someone new at the end, but really it was only just given a very slight suggestion. I had made the connection in my mind because it made the film less sad. Great story though... What did you think?

D10: Elvis has left the building...

I heard someone was supposed to have a blog here. Any truth to this rumor?

And is it better to write something, however nonsensical or lacking in substance, than write nothing for the day?

What do you think?

D9: Humpday not to be taken literally...

Or at least it didn't live up to it's name. That's because you continue to elude me. And I imaging we're not going down that road until we've gotten to know each other a bit, right?

D8: The nature of chemistry…

This is day 8 of the quest for my soulmate, wherein I grope for answers about just how I/we're supposed to find this mythical thing called "love"…

Skip to the P.S. at the bottom immediately to find out all the reasons you're not going to like me. Chances are, you won't. Be happy. You've saved yourself a lot of time! And now for the foolish ones… Get comfortable… today's update is a long one!

The nature of online dating is such that it thrusts you into situations you'd never otherwise end up in. Because we're relying upon very incomplete information to make a decision about meeting someone, we're often surprised with the results. Any veteran of online dating knows that many people misrepresent themselves. There is a sense in which we're operating in a fantasy realm. I think some people send shockingly inaccurate photos, hoping we'll like the photos, want to meet and then somehow overlook the fact that they don't look anything like them. Worse are those who won't send photos or only send photos from the shoulders up. I can't speak for women, because I have never had the pleasure of being a woman. But as a man, I know that I generally know within one second or less whether or not I'm attracted to a woman. It's that simple. Except that it's not… It would be if I saw you outside in the real world. In face-to-face encounters we can rely upon our senses to deliver a great depth of information. Our minds capture photos the best cameras will never be able to take. But when all I have to go on are a few words in reply to my ad, it isn't easy…

You see, when someone sends you a nice email, saying they liked your ad, etc., etc. and they are simpatico, I start to get hopeful. Why do you think I put myself though this if I didn't believe it was possible? Of course I'm an optimistic person. So I'm automatically hoping for the best. Even if the response doesn't sound as well written or sophisticated as I would hope. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But then comes the photos…

What can I say about this? It isn't comfortable for any of us. We feel like we're being judged. And we are. It's inevitable. And it isn't fair. You absolutely deserve to be loved by a wonderful person no matter your appearance. But unfortunately, depending on your appearance, your definition of all-around wonderful partner has to be flexible…

It reminds me of my experience in high school, writing for the newspaper. I wanted to do a story on two students with disabilities, to try to find out more about them. I also wanted to humanize them so other students would be more likely to get past their disability and talk to them. One of the students I interviewed was named Todd, and he had cerebral palsy. He got around on a motorized wheelchair, which he operated via joystick with his right hand. It took practice to learn to understand his speech. He invited me into his life and we became friends. I learned that we shared a love of jazz and computers. We ended up going to school together for several years – he to become an architect and I to become a psychologist. I wrote a nice article for the school paper shortly after meeting both Todd and Shannon, but I also wrote a poem (privately) about the cruel nature of love…

I looked at Todd and saw a beautiful person. A kind and loving man who was fun to be around. The way his face lit up when listening to Big Band music from the 30's and 40's – pure, unrestrained JOY! You could tell that he'd be dancing if he weren't confined to his chair. I thought to myself… who is going to love this man? Who is going to be able to look past his disability and love this wonderful and worthy human being? After all the pain he experiences in a world that shies away from seeing him, isn't he MORE deserving of love than the rest of us? It made me deeply sad as a 16-year old to think of how unfair the world is. And that hasn't really changed. I thought of myself at the time as being imprisoned in a chair of my own making, my own shyness holding me back from being able to reach out to women I yearned to talk to. Here I was complaining about my shyness as an impediment to finding happiness when my friend had challenges I could never even comprehend!

So love can be cruel in the sense that every single person on earth deserves and needs to be loved and nurtured in a healthy relationship. Many of us have the added burden of being handicapped by not having had the right balance of love growing up in our own families. Everyone needs it. Everyone deserves it. But we don't get to choose how it will come to us. Sure we can keep it at bay, if we're foolish. We can choose not to let love into our lives. But we can't make anyone love us.

I've hated the online exchanges where I responded to an ad, they showed an interest, I send the photo and then there's no response… It's no fun. But it's the nature of the game. You'll do it to me; I'll do it to you. Love isn't rational. Love isn't fair. Love isn't anything resembling sensible. Love is. If you want to make the world a better place, save yourself time and energy – send real photos! Send full body photos. Send photos in a variety of poses. If a man isn't interested, then celebrate! Thank God! That's one more possibility you've crossed off your list! That means you're that much closer to finding the person you're meant to be with. If the man you're with isn't attracted to you – doesn't love you as you really are – then he's not the right one. Find the one who is! Happiness comes when two people match well together. So if you're a woman who isn't height-weight proportionate, don't expect to be with a man who is unless he really likes women who aren't. There's no use lamenting the fact that there's no attraction. Have you seen the elaborate mating dances that thousands of male species have to do throughout the animal kingdom to entice a female? They are utterly astounding in their beauty and complexity. And yet even these gorgeous male peacocks who we consider flawless get rejected by 19 out of 20 females they present to. Or 99 out of 100. The business of love is not for the faint of heart…

Online dating is an artificial environment. Because it is so abstracted from real-life encounters, it causes us to respond to people who we might not otherwise ever talk to. And the reason for that is because, in a face-to-face environment, we would immediately realize there was no attraction and focus our attention elsewhere. But again, we're working in a sensory-deprived realm, and thus, the potential for confusing moments…

I'm sorry to those that have written and send photos that didn't capture my fancy. I truly am. If I were a blind man, I'd probably be much happier. Because I've said no to some truly great people who, on paper have so many of the qualities I'm looking for. This may be day 8 of 80 or 800 or 8000 (although I might be a very bitter man by then)! But the quest goes on because when that person appears, your life is transformed. So I keep looking. And so should you…

P.S. Here's some bits you'll have to contend with if you think you might actually be interested in me: I'm 33, never married, 5'8", 180, a pauper living in a nice neighborhood. I don't like bars, I don't like clubs. I don't care for alcohol, although I don't mind if you drink moderately and will be happy to share a drink with you if it really makes you happy. I drink tea, not coffee. I'm an introverted extrovert. I love swallowing information. I'm fascinated by the creative process, especially in seeing how the talents of individuals can be coordinated to make something greater. I'm passionate, nerdy, sophisticated, shy, talkative, quiet, wildly energetic, madly curious and a very good kisser. But then you already knew that, didn't you?

D7: I know nothing!

Day 7 of my quest to find the woman I'm meant to spend my life with….

These words come almost 24 hours after I said they would, the consequence of lingering illness and wavering resolve. It's not that I'm any less interested in finding the love of my life. It's simply that I'm at a loss as to what to say. But perhaps it always starts that way. You stare into the void and wait for something to blossom. The light has to come from within. Here's my rant for the day…

How do I approach the issue of the ticking clock? I'm 33 and I tend to appreciate women close to my own age – because I seek an equal in wisdom and experience. Sometimes this can be found in younger women. Often times not. All of the meaningful long-term relationships I've had, save one, have been with women about my age (or slightly older). The one exception was a brilliant gal about 5 years my junior. Here's the rub… If I'm 33 and you're close to 33, your clock is probably ticking like mad. Your body is sounding the alarm saying MAKE BABIES FAST OR THE EGGS WILL DIE! Your entire life, our culture has socialized you to NEED to have children to have a meaningful existence. Plus, let's face it, the HORMONES make you want to have one. What's a gal to do? Many of you in this boat are looking to get married SOON and start having kids within a few years so you dreams of motherhood aren't shattered by the nightmare of birth defects, miscarriages and other tragedies. I'm not trying to come across as an ass (although I probably am). I have seen, firsthand, the intense pain a couple faces when they have a miscarriage. It's a heart wrenching experience that places a huge burden on a marriage. I understand the fear…

So here I am, wanting to find an equal. Waiting to find the woman I can cherish forever. Do I give up on finding women my own age? How many times can I say I won't be in a position to responsibly raise children for at least 5 years? How many women will still be interested if I say I don't have any desire to have children at this point in my life? Of course it may change. People don't stand still. They grow with time. And I know that when the love you've waited your life for is there, you do make compromises. My friend is still working on his doctorate full time, despite having to help raise their 1-year old. He didn't want to have children, period. Let alone while trying to earn his Ph.D. But love has a funny way of making things happen you don't expect. While it's very tough balancing everything, he loves being a father and he's clearly a good one.

Would the same hold true for me? I don't know. In truth, I know nothing. How crazy are we to think we know what's best for us? We create so many rules for how things are supposed to be. We plan out our lives years in advanced in some cases – having a clear picture of how things NEED to be. But life doesn't work that way…

I might think you're somewhere between 25 and 35 but who knows what the universe has in store for me? Clearly I have not been successful in finding my life's love. Perhaps you have something to teach me?

D6: On the road to love…

My Beloved,

Can you help me be strong? Can you help me resist the urge to fall into the comforting warmth of another's embrace? I know it isn't you. Truly I do. That voice in the back of my head says 'this is not the one'. And yet you know me so well. You know that I yearn to share the magic of another's touch. To settle into the comforts of a nurturing relationship. To feel loved and cared for. To know that someone values me and can't wait to see me again. To wake up with someone day after day and smile into those eyes without fear of malice. But comfort is not love. Affection can't support a foundation that only love was meant to hold.

It's such a dangerous time my love. I'm searching for you in earnest. I'm reaching out to you, trying to find you in a sea of faces. So many of them are good, sweet, kind and gentle faces. These are loving women after the same things that you and I have been searching our lifetime for. How will I know it's really you when so many of them are on such a similar quest? I think that sometimes we're so anxious to find each other, we reach into the crowd too soon and come out with the wrong hand.

Am I mad to think I know you before we've ever met? If I haven't found you yet, who am I to say what kind of woman you are? How naïve are we to assume we know what curious mix of traits we will find in each other. It certainly isn't going to be a perfect mix. We're still going to do things to irritate each other 40 years from now. Because you know I'll always be fallible. I'll say the wrong things and upset you. Or be impulsive and start a project around the house, but have no idea that you just can't abide me doing it that way. It will go both ways of course. You'll upset me as well. But I won't show the hurt as easily because I learned to hide these things in the name of harmony growing up. So I'll be a bit more mercurial than you might like at times - until you can learn to draw me out and teach me how to show you my pain.

My love, I know you're brilliant. Far smarter than the average college graduate. But it's so much more than that. You're intellectual. You're well read and well informed about a broad range of topics. You'll always be learning something new. You might even listen to audio books or download free lectures from iTunes University on all kinds of topics you didn't have the chance to study in school. Perhaps film study, existentialism, journalism, modernity, astrophysics, whatever tickles your fancy! You don't consider one lifetime enough to learn all that you want to learn. You wish you could live ten lifetimes or a hundred, just to drink in all that the world has to offer. And perhaps you will! Who knows what life holds in store for us? Stay strong, sharpen your wit and for the love of god, please give me a sign! Then maybe sprinkle some crumbs for me to follow…

One more thing, honey. About the kids… I think we have to talk about this a bit more. You know that I'm a loving person who will give myself to you, heart and soul. That said, even though I don't have any desire for children now, that doesn't mean I won't want them a few years into our marriage. Of course you know I want to raise them responsibly, in an environment where we both have the time, energy and financial stability to do so.

But I'm wondering if I should take a few parenting classes before we set off on that path. You see, Luke, my 5-year old Siamese, still thinks he's a kitten. He still tries to nurse when he's laying on my chest or sitting on my shoulders. I know he's too old to be nursing and that he should have been weaned years ago. But I just don't have the heart to do it…. How will I be able to raise a baby if I can't even draw a boundary with my kitty? I hope you know how to be disciplined. I'm counting on you to whip me into shape! Please come home soon, dear! The bed's so empty without you….

D5 : The Art of Silence

I'm sick today, so this is not going to be a thing of beauty...

It's hard to meet your heart's desire when you're home sick all day. Perhaps if I were in the hospital instead? Oh well. I've had some wonderful people write me but I've been too dead to reply. I'm only posting this because I promised myself I'd do this daily until I found her.

Here's some information you may want to pass on to anyone whom you suspect may be my wife:

I'm 5'8" tall. I don't really care what your height is. If you're my height or taller and you ego can't take the shame of being over my head when you're in heels then I consider you a shallow person I'm happy not to know. I'm not a slave to common societal conventions. Love isn't about the things society thinks define us, it's about what's at the core of who we are. That said, I know that many of you have a very clear picture in your mind of who your soulmate to be is...



Here's a few things that will hopefully dissuade you from pursuing me:

I won't be done with my Ph.D. for at least a year. Even afterwards, I'm looking at several lean years while I earn the hours necessary for licensure. With the time it takes to get established in my profession, plus all the student loan debt I have acquired, I won't be in ANY position to responsibly raise children for AT LEAST 5 years, minimum. And I'm not even sure I want kids. Sure I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew, but I don't think I NEED kids to be happy or feel fulfilled in life.

I don't own a home and won't be in an position to buy one for a long time.

I'm not religious, although I'm respectful and understanding to those who are. That's not to say I'm an atheist, but I'm not a fan of any organized religion.

Life is too short to waste on dating people that don't really have the beliefs and qualities that you really value. So don't be afraid to ask the hard questions early on in the process of getting to know people. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by not letting yourself fall in love with people that you'll never truly mesh with.

So don't be afraid to be particular. You won't end up alone forever for wanting too much. Just make sure that what you're looking for in a man is based on his character as a human being, the principles he stands for, the morals that have shaped how he lives. Don't be shallow and waste your time chasing the 2.5 bedrooms and the white picket fence above the spirit that makes the man you love who he is.

Hopefully I've scared plenty off. God knows I don't want to waste your time pretending to be something I'm not just so we can get involved for a few months, get hurt and then have to start over with more wounds that we began with.



So, it's early but I'm going to see if I can't sleep this cold off...

Stay well, be positive and don't try to make something work with someone who really doesn't have the qualities you need to be happy. Love yourself enough to say no to love for the sake of comfort. We all need to feel loved, to be held and experience passion. But don't jump on the wrong ship because you're afraid it might be the last one!

Take care, drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest and don't write me unless all of this really makes some kind of crazy sense to you...

Chances are, I'm probably NOT your type. But someone is. And he's waiting...

D4: O.I.M.A.N.W.T.A.

Objects in mirror are not what they appear…

This is day four of the quest to find the woman my soul yearns for…

Things to tell my wife:

As you know, it's been over 33 years now and I haven't been able to find my wife. I thought I'd found her several times. I even picked out a ring once. But thus far those years have merely been long-term investments with poor yields. Good thing I'm not a stock broker…

I think that in a way, finding the person you want to spend your life with is like signing up for a degree at a university in which they won't tell you how many classes you need to graduate. You just have to keep taking classes until one day someone taps you on the shoulder and says here's your diploma. I think the only problem is that not only do we not know how many classes we have to take, but we don't know WHAT classes we have to take! And, as the bard would say, "Therein lies the rub"…

Given that I have been looking these 33 odd years, I recognize that she's better at hide and seek than I am. So I'll do my best to shed the artifice and lay bare the nature of my desires:

I believe in loving with complete abandon. I know that love has scarred all of us in its own unique ways, but we can't let that get in the way of letting the walls down for the right one. What is love but bearing your soul? How can you hope to build the foundation for a life together without talking about your fears? I consider finding your partner in life to be perhaps the most meaningful pursuit there is. And yet how seriously do we take this goal? When you're talking about the possibility of spending 50 + years of your life in an increasing state of happiness, how can we not try harder? I look at my cat and I'm overflowing with love for this wonderful little creature that adds such joy to my life. He makes me laugh, smile and provides endless fascination as I watch him interact with his environment. He's a very silly boy. And the love I have for him is just the tiniest fraction of what I'm waiting to share with the one.

So please, if you see my wife, tell her that I am working hard to find her. I've committed myself to this pursuit and will not rest until we are reunited. Granted there are things that get in the way… I am not independently wealthy, so I do have to work. And if I hadn't already committed myself to finishing this Ph.D., I would have a lot more time to look for her. I wish I had enough money to hire a private investigator. Anyone know a good P.I. who would trade some detective work for free psychotherapy? Think how much easier it would be if I had a private eye on the case!

Ok, fellow wanderers, please do what you can to spread the word. If you know any private eyes, even if they're amateurs, let them know I'm interested in trading whatever services I can offer for their help in finding my wife. Free counseling, yard word, car washes, house cleaning (I wield a mean vacuum), shopping, massage, you name it, I'll give it a try.

And as payback to all those who've stuck with me this far, let me extend my offer of help to you as well.

If, like me, you are searching for your ONE, please tell me about him (and about you). Given my profession and experiences, I think I'm a good judge of character. If I can help you locate your husband, I'll be glad to do anything I can. If we have to put our heads together to figure this out, then let's do it! I want happiness for everyone, not just myself. So send love out in your thoughts. Believe that you absolutely deserve to be blissfully happy. Let's make it happen!

See you tomorrow! And don't forget to send in photos, descriptions and any other clues you have.

P.S. Several kind souls have already sent me a number of clues I have to investigate further. And I'm very excited about looking into all that they've shared. However, today ended up being rather full and I just didn't wind up with enough steam to do it all. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful and will get back to everyone that passed on good information soon. Also, for what it's worth, it's MUCH faster for me to do my investigating over the phone. Everyone knows that energy runs through the phone lines much more powerfully than it does through the internet. There is magic in the human voice. There are voices that bring tears to our eyes just to hear the ache in their souls. Sure I'm game for exchanging a few emails back and forth to get the investigation under way. But when you really want to jump-start things, let's talk… There are few things I enjoy more than a good conversation. Except, of course, pirates…

D3: The Accident

{In which our hapless protagonist wishes he had reviewed some basic physics principles before leaving the house this morning…}

My mission: To write a new diary entry every day on Craigslist until I've found the woman I'm meant to spend my life with… and to amuse you in the process

Day 3: Where were you honey?

Was I really alive when I woke up this morning? I mean really alive in that vital, I am aware of the universe, kind of sense? Apparently not, because two minutes after leaving my house I was on the side of the road with a crack in my helmet and a newfound awareness of my body. I was a non-voluntary blood donor at the intersection of asphalt and elbow. In what I consider a very unfair trade, I was compensated with some free asphalt. It was embedded into my arm, gratis! My takeaway lesson is threefold: Don't turn too fast. Don't turn too fast especially if you are leaning into the turn. And finally, don't EVER let your pedal catch the ground while turning… unless you enjoy making donations at unmanned roadside blood drives.

Where were you this morning? When I really NEEDED you? Do you know how hard it is to wrap bandages around your elbow while holding down gauze 1-handed? Well, it wasn't that bad in the end… I rode on to work despite the owie. Had a shower at work and washed as much asphalt out of the wound as I could with soap and determination. I work with two nurses, so I had them take a look and pronounce judgment. No amputation necessary. Phew…

Onto the search….

No big leads to follow in the real world today. Perhaps pain dulled my ability to see the world with unblinking eyes?

But I have had a few more fellow wanderers contact me! There were suggestions that I file a missing person's report. I'd really like to, but again, I don't have a definitive picture of her that I can give to the FBI. I still need your help. Please send me a picture of her if you have one. If you're not sure, send it anyway, along with any information you have. I'm really anxious to find her.

I know we don't have much info to go on yet, but this is what my heart tells me…

She's creative, affectionate, warm, loving and full of compassion for the world. She's intellectual, loves books on a wide variety of subjects and doesn't always reach for the easy reads. She leads a healthy lifestyle, appreciates the arts, isn't afraid to watch films with subtitles, has some interesting hobbies, knows that you have to make the toilet paper roll out from the top and that Bush may be the worst president in the history of the United States.

Sorry if I lost you with the Bush comment there, but it had to be said… Nevertheless, if, in some strange, alternate universe, my wife actually likes Bush, I guess I’ll have to love her anyway. After all, my dad likes Bush and I love and admire him very much. We just don’t talk politics much. It’s much more fun to just watch football games together… Go Chargers!

[I’ve been a San Diego native since birth, except for those two years abroad…]

Ok, enough clues for tonight. I've got to write back to a few fellow wanderers!

D2: Auspicious Signs!

Have you seen my wife? Reward offered if you find her!

Day 2 of The Lovesick Wanderer's Diary

As fatigue envelopes me like a blanket into sleep, I struggle to find the resolve to share my second day's adventure. But if I give up so easily, what chance will I have to find her amongst a planet populated with over six billion souls?

Today began much as any other does. I packed fresh clothes and enough provisions to survive a day of hard labor, got on my mountain bike and began the ascent to the top of Point Loma near Cabrillo National Monument. It's a beautiful vantage point overlooking San Diego. On a clear day you can see well into Mexico. I was certain that after reaching the peak of this great mountain (ok, hill, if you must make me an honest man) that I would be able to see her - the woman I'm meant to spend my life with. But she seems to have been blissfully unaware of me. Because even when I squinted, I couldn't see her. And I was really looking. I looked left and right. North and south. Up and down. I even check my pockets to make sure she hadn't slyly put her phone number in my pocket surreptitious while I was looking through the binoculars. Granted, I could probably benefit from stronger binoculars. But I was sure she'd be holding up a sign or something. Doesn't she want to be found?

So, no joy on the morning excursion. I rode to work, did the work thing, rode home, gave some love to Luke (my handsome blue seal point Siamese), helped out the old woman's cat upstairs and then rode downtown for my workout. I kept my eyes WIDE open on the 5-mile ride, but she must have ducked down when she passed me on Harbor Drive. Perhaps she's shyer than I thought. So, I had a nice workout and a nice ride home. Stopped at Trader Joe's on the way back to pick up some supplies and to see if she was waiting inside. She wasn't. At least, if she was, she didn't let on AT ALL!

I looked at a number of different women, many of whom were quite cute. But none dropped any of those telltale signs that there was a bit of chemistry floating through the air. No electric sparks. No lighting in the aisles. Just milk, hummus, yogurt, apples and a few other things. But…

As disheartened as I was by my lack of luck, something magic happened on the way back….

On the ride home, I saw a personalized license plate that read "2 [Heart] Sum 1". It had a heart symbol in place of the word love.

It said "To Love Someone"!

What a wonderful sign!

My heart was glad. I smiled, knowing that my quest was not in vain. This was an auspicious sign if I ever saw one. And then, while having dinner, I watched the bonus material on "The Arctic Tale" DVD, and learned that it took the National Geographic crew 4 years of filming to capture baby walrus for the first time. Now granted, babies are almost always cute. But a baby walrus is born weighing almost as much as a full-grown Rottweiler and they aren't much cuter. So if a camera crew can be passionate enough to freeze their asses off for 4 years at the North Pole to let the world see what baby walruses look like, I can certainly live with a few days without any solid leads on where to find my wife.

I did get 3 responses from my first day's diary. Unfortunately, none of them had any leads for me to follow. At least they weren't any leads I can decipher just yet. One of them sent me a lovely "Dear Wanderer" email with no clues except a lovely photo of her in a bikini. But she said she didn't know where to find her. The other two were similar, but didn't offer anything concrete. But was one of these women actually my wife, while all the time denying it? If so, this is too difficult for a simpleton like me to fathom. Sometimes I need to be struck over the head. I want love to strike me like the banging of a gong. Or not. I'll think a little about the implications of that one…

LATE BREAKING NEWS! While writing up today's diary, I got an email from a woman claiming that she's engaged in the same kind of search for her husband. She claims she met the brother and sister from yesterday. It turns out the teenage boy was pretty cute, so she got his number and might check back with him in the future. She has a nice web page, looks very cute and seems like the kind of woman I'd be interested in. So imagine my frustration when she said she got the teenager's number instead of mine. But she did leave me her email address. Perhaps I should interview her and see if she has any clues to offer me…. I'll report back tomorrow if I learn anything more!

That's all for tonight. I've got to get to bed or I'll be a cranky boy tomorrow. But please keep reading.. come back tomorrow for day 3 of my diary. I know I'm going to need your help to find the woman who haunts my dreams.

The Wanderer

P.S. Check out the photo below of this new mattress, invented so that lovers can fall asleep with their arms around each other without losing all circulation. It has slits all through the mattress so you can tuck your arms (or toes) in. This is such a wonderful idea. How many times have you just wanted to be able to drift into sleep with your arms around the one you love without the pain of having your arm go numb?

The other photos are me, Luke and a bit of Magnetic Poetry I made on my fridge, then edited on my PC to give it an edge… Enjoy!

D1: The Quest Begins!

Reply to: pers-525662898@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-02, 12:07AM PST

I'm writing this near the end of my first day in search of love. I'm not sure how long it will go on, nor how long my resolve will stand. But the mission is clear. I will settle for nothing less than the woman I was meant to spend my life with.

Bold words indeed. But what actions did I take during day one of the first leg of my journey? I slept in until 10 at a friend's house (didn't want to be on the road when all those drunk drivers were out) and got home by 11:30. I immediately grabbed some provisions, binoculars and put on my hiking boots for some reconnaissance. I walked around Point Loma, trying to spot my wife. But since no-one has given me any information about what she looks like, it's a bit hard.

I started going door to door, ringing the doorbells or knocking politely to inquire whether the residents had seen my wife. I got mostly blank stares, although a few people asked for a description. I told them that if I knew what she looked like, I wouldn't be knocking on their doors for answers.

I had one promising lead. I came to one home where a teenage boy answered. I asked him if he'd seen my wife and he asked me to wait for a second. He brought his 9-year old sister to the door and said he was sure that she was the one. Needless to say, I wasn't convinced. Nevertheless, I wrote her name down, just in case some bizarre time-traveling scenario develops soon wherein I'm suddenly transported 20 years into the future and there she is (assuming I didn't get 20 years older in the process). If you've ever read "The Time-Traveler's Wife", you'll know this is a charming, but extremely far-fetched possibility.

So, other than that afternoon adventure, I just watched "The Kingdom" with a friend and my parents. Not a great success in the quest for love, but at least I made a small effort. Perhaps I should look someplace more conventional tomorrow?

This wraps up day 1 of my chronicle. If you have any information about the whereabouts of my wife or any other information that can aid me in my quest, please don't hesitate to contact me. Look for day 2 of my diary tomorrow and keep your eyes open - I can use all the help I can get!