Day 7 of my quest to find the woman I'm meant to spend my life with….
These words come almost 24 hours after I said they would, the consequence of lingering illness and wavering resolve. It's not that I'm any less interested in finding the love of my life. It's simply that I'm at a loss as to what to say. But perhaps it always starts that way. You stare into the void and wait for something to blossom. The light has to come from within. Here's my rant for the day…
How do I approach the issue of the ticking clock? I'm 33 and I tend to appreciate women close to my own age – because I seek an equal in wisdom and experience. Sometimes this can be found in younger women. Often times not. All of the meaningful long-term relationships I've had, save one, have been with women about my age (or slightly older). The one exception was a brilliant gal about 5 years my junior. Here's the rub… If I'm 33 and you're close to 33, your clock is probably ticking like mad. Your body is sounding the alarm saying MAKE BABIES FAST OR THE EGGS WILL DIE! Your entire life, our culture has socialized you to NEED to have children to have a meaningful existence. Plus, let's face it, the HORMONES make you want to have one. What's a gal to do? Many of you in this boat are looking to get married SOON and start having kids within a few years so you dreams of motherhood aren't shattered by the nightmare of birth defects, miscarriages and other tragedies. I'm not trying to come across as an ass (although I probably am). I have seen, firsthand, the intense pain a couple faces when they have a miscarriage. It's a heart wrenching experience that places a huge burden on a marriage. I understand the fear…
So here I am, wanting to find an equal. Waiting to find the woman I can cherish forever. Do I give up on finding women my own age? How many times can I say I won't be in a position to responsibly raise children for at least 5 years? How many women will still be interested if I say I don't have any desire to have children at this point in my life? Of course it may change. People don't stand still. They grow with time. And I know that when the love you've waited your life for is there, you do make compromises. My friend is still working on his doctorate full time, despite having to help raise their 1-year old. He didn't want to have children, period. Let alone while trying to earn his Ph.D. But love has a funny way of making things happen you don't expect. While it's very tough balancing everything, he loves being a father and he's clearly a good one.
Would the same hold true for me? I don't know. In truth, I know nothing. How crazy are we to think we know what's best for us? We create so many rules for how things are supposed to be. We plan out our lives years in advanced in some cases – having a clear picture of how things NEED to be. But life doesn't work that way…
I might think you're somewhere between 25 and 35 but who knows what the universe has in store for me? Clearly I have not been successful in finding my life's love. Perhaps you have something to teach me?
1 comment:
When you say, "I don’t have any desire to have children at this point in my life", you could see "have children" as meaning a biological act, or it could also be more general than that - "have" could also include raising (which you mentioned not being in a position to responsibly do) children, living with children, and all the sundry baggage and inevitable effort that go in to "having" children. It seems best for me to assume that you're not interested in a woman uninterested in having more chidren now, but who already has kids. I think that's a completely reasonable ideal - to want the family that you share and raise to be biologically your own. I think almost everyone who has started a family has held that ideal, at one point or another - and many of us have to look over our shoulders to find where it went. Like myself. I guess it seems to me, from what, of course, is a biased and egocentric perspective since I can't pretend to be so enlightened that I'm able to safely disentangle myself from my mortal coil, that the market may currently be a bit flooded with single mothers. I'm sure that you will find your perfect match, and I don't believe I've necessarily guessed your meaning of "have" correctly, nor do I think I have answers for you. It's just that, maybe if I interpreted your writing that way, a few other single moms did, too. Again, if it's your intention, this is good & it's good that you're being open.
Again, I think the market is a bit saturated, in the 30-33 year-old bracket, with single moms. I think it's even possible that a larger percentage of these women are emotionally mature women because most have relented to life pressuring them to be more selfless and understanding and compassionate, while not being helpless. Being dependable and loving and nurtures a more mature, independent desire to share - and it feels like it's located in roughly the same cerebral tissue where bar-hopping and clubbing used to fit in.
Good luck in your search & I know you'll find her!
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