This is day 8 of the quest for my soulmate, wherein I grope for answers about just how I/we're supposed to find this mythical thing called "love"…
Skip to the P.S. at the bottom immediately to find out all the reasons you're not going to like me. Chances are, you won't. Be happy. You've saved yourself a lot of time! And now for the foolish ones… Get comfortable… today's update is a long one!
The nature of online dating is such that it thrusts you into situations you'd never otherwise end up in. Because we're relying upon very incomplete information to make a decision about meeting someone, we're often surprised with the results. Any veteran of online dating knows that many people misrepresent themselves. There is a sense in which we're operating in a fantasy realm. I think some people send shockingly inaccurate photos, hoping we'll like the photos, want to meet and then somehow overlook the fact that they don't look anything like them. Worse are those who won't send photos or only send photos from the shoulders up. I can't speak for women, because I have never had the pleasure of being a woman. But as a man, I know that I generally know within one second or less whether or not I'm attracted to a woman. It's that simple. Except that it's not… It would be if I saw you outside in the real world. In face-to-face encounters we can rely upon our senses to deliver a great depth of information. Our minds capture photos the best cameras will never be able to take. But when all I have to go on are a few words in reply to my ad, it isn't easy…
You see, when someone sends you a nice email, saying they liked your ad, etc., etc. and they are simpatico, I start to get hopeful. Why do you think I put myself though this if I didn't believe it was possible? Of course I'm an optimistic person. So I'm automatically hoping for the best. Even if the response doesn't sound as well written or sophisticated as I would hope. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But then comes the photos…
What can I say about this? It isn't comfortable for any of us. We feel like we're being judged. And we are. It's inevitable. And it isn't fair. You absolutely deserve to be loved by a wonderful person no matter your appearance. But unfortunately, depending on your appearance, your definition of all-around wonderful partner has to be flexible…
It reminds me of my experience in high school, writing for the newspaper. I wanted to do a story on two students with disabilities, to try to find out more about them. I also wanted to humanize them so other students would be more likely to get past their disability and talk to them. One of the students I interviewed was named Todd, and he had cerebral palsy. He got around on a motorized wheelchair, which he operated via joystick with his right hand. It took practice to learn to understand his speech. He invited me into his life and we became friends. I learned that we shared a love of jazz and computers. We ended up going to school together for several years – he to become an architect and I to become a psychologist. I wrote a nice article for the school paper shortly after meeting both Todd and Shannon, but I also wrote a poem (privately) about the cruel nature of love…
I looked at Todd and saw a beautiful person. A kind and loving man who was fun to be around. The way his face lit up when listening to Big Band music from the 30's and 40's – pure, unrestrained JOY! You could tell that he'd be dancing if he weren't confined to his chair. I thought to myself… who is going to love this man? Who is going to be able to look past his disability and love this wonderful and worthy human being? After all the pain he experiences in a world that shies away from seeing him, isn't he MORE deserving of love than the rest of us? It made me deeply sad as a 16-year old to think of how unfair the world is. And that hasn't really changed. I thought of myself at the time as being imprisoned in a chair of my own making, my own shyness holding me back from being able to reach out to women I yearned to talk to. Here I was complaining about my shyness as an impediment to finding happiness when my friend had challenges I could never even comprehend!
So love can be cruel in the sense that every single person on earth deserves and needs to be loved and nurtured in a healthy relationship. Many of us have the added burden of being handicapped by not having had the right balance of love growing up in our own families. Everyone needs it. Everyone deserves it. But we don't get to choose how it will come to us. Sure we can keep it at bay, if we're foolish. We can choose not to let love into our lives. But we can't make anyone love us.
I've hated the online exchanges where I responded to an ad, they showed an interest, I send the photo and then there's no response… It's no fun. But it's the nature of the game. You'll do it to me; I'll do it to you. Love isn't rational. Love isn't fair. Love isn't anything resembling sensible. Love is. If you want to make the world a better place, save yourself time and energy – send real photos! Send full body photos. Send photos in a variety of poses. If a man isn't interested, then celebrate! Thank God! That's one more possibility you've crossed off your list! That means you're that much closer to finding the person you're meant to be with. If the man you're with isn't attracted to you – doesn't love you as you really are – then he's not the right one. Find the one who is! Happiness comes when two people match well together. So if you're a woman who isn't height-weight proportionate, don't expect to be with a man who is unless he really likes women who aren't. There's no use lamenting the fact that there's no attraction. Have you seen the elaborate mating dances that thousands of male species have to do throughout the animal kingdom to entice a female? They are utterly astounding in their beauty and complexity. And yet even these gorgeous male peacocks who we consider flawless get rejected by 19 out of 20 females they present to. Or 99 out of 100. The business of love is not for the faint of heart…
Online dating is an artificial environment. Because it is so abstracted from real-life encounters, it causes us to respond to people who we might not otherwise ever talk to. And the reason for that is because, in a face-to-face environment, we would immediately realize there was no attraction and focus our attention elsewhere. But again, we're working in a sensory-deprived realm, and thus, the potential for confusing moments…
I'm sorry to those that have written and send photos that didn't capture my fancy. I truly am. If I were a blind man, I'd probably be much happier. Because I've said no to some truly great people who, on paper have so many of the qualities I'm looking for. This may be day 8 of 80 or 800 or 8000 (although I might be a very bitter man by then)! But the quest goes on because when that person appears, your life is transformed. So I keep looking. And so should you…
P.S. Here's some bits you'll have to contend with if you think you might actually be interested in me: I'm 33, never married, 5'8", 180, a pauper living in a nice neighborhood. I don't like bars, I don't like clubs. I don't care for alcohol, although I don't mind if you drink moderately and will be happy to share a drink with you if it really makes you happy. I drink tea, not coffee. I'm an introverted extrovert. I love swallowing information. I'm fascinated by the creative process, especially in seeing how the talents of individuals can be coordinated to make something greater. I'm passionate, nerdy, sophisticated, shy, talkative, quiet, wildly energetic, madly curious and a very good kisser. But then you already knew that, didn't you?
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